Scatterbrained

I'm performing stand up tonight. This time, instead of performing at a show for beginners, I'm performing at an all-female show. I'm so nervous.

***

NPR was playing Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry when I was getting ready for work this morning. Um, thanks NPR. That's exactly the type of music I wanted to have running through my head all day. I turn on NPR every morning hoping to get crappy pop songs stuck in my head.

***

My mom told me my sister's family spent yesterday at my nephew's soccer game. They actually went out to the lake to play on jet skis. I'm not entirely sure why my mom lied; it disturbs me that she thinks I would care at all, yet I also find it hilarious.

***

Achilles has most of this week off work for no real reason. I'm so jealous.

***

My weekend was too short.

Although we go... to the end of the vacation road...

Dear Work,

Why do I have to go back to you tomorrow? I'm just not ready. I'm glad to have you, really, it's just that I *really* got used to being on vacation. I went back to Job #2 yesterday, and that was fine, so my return to you will probably be fine too. Right? Right?

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Michael Cera,

I like love have adored for years and years the song that's playing in the trailer for your new movie. I could recommend a few Old 97's songs that would be great in an Arrested Development movie.

I'm just sayin.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Condo,

If you could magically restore yourself to pre-renovation project cleanliness/organization levels, that would be great.

XOXO,
Jane

***

Dear Self,

What happened to eating healthier and exercising over the winter break? Shame on you (and those delicious chocolate candy pretzels).

Yours shamefully,
Jane

Eating the elephant

Dear Internets,

So. I sort of lied about being back, huh? I did read all 749 posts in my Google Reader, although I didn't comment on most of them (because I'm not a robot, that's why)(sorry about that). It turns out they were mostly about how people either love or hate Christmas. Go figure.

I haven't been writing (or exercising or eating particularly well) because my brain has been a scrambled mess. My brain has been a scrambled mess because I haven't been writing (or exercising or cooking). It's a vicious cycle. (Rawr.) It's possibly also some mild form of SAD since this seems to happen to me every year. I know that's weird, since I live in the sunbelt and all, but I can't help but wonder be a hypochondriac.

Anyway, I'm going to attempt to defrag my brain by writing a huge monster update. Hopefully, we can all move on and I can get back to posting about breakfast tacos ASAP.

Thanksgiving
Food. Lots of it. Lots of family asking about the wedding. Lots of anxiety. Moving on.

Tahoe
It is interesting to travel with a large group of friends. Apparently the family you choose can be just as overly dramatic as the family you're born into. Overall, though, the trip was wonderful. I went snowboarding, my friends made me 29 cupcakes with candles on my birthday, and we danced and sang along so enthusiastically to a mid/late-90's alt rock cover band that the band thanked us (and only us) personally after the show. It was fantastic.

My Birthday
29. Bleh. What can I say about 29? I guess at least it's a prime number (but it's not nearly as good as being perfect). It was great to spend time with my friends in Tahoe, and I'm incredibly lucky to have the life I have, but I really just don't enjoy getting older anymore.

Snowboarding
Normally, I'm the person getting whacked in the face with a soccer ball or tripping down the bowling alley, but I actually seem to have some natural talent for snowboarding. Achilles and I are even thinking of heading to Whistler for our honeymoon. (Note to self: try finding sports that aren't so expensive.) My bruises are finally starting to heal. (Re: bruises. I know, I know. But I said that I had some natural talent, not that I'd morphed into a different person.)

Ghost Posts
To everyone who emailed me about writing a ghost post while I was on vacation - I am so very sorry I didn't get back to anyone. I was a nervous wreck. If you are still interested, please let me know.

The Wedding
Does anyone even want to hear about this? I know I don't. However, I may or may not have biggish news about the wedding (depending on how Achilles' and my families react to our new plans). I don't want to jinx anything, so I'm going to keep my mouth shut.

***

Well, that was really lame and not much of a monster post at all. I can't believe I've been avoiding this for so long. I hope you've had a fantastical month so far, Internets, and I hope you'll forgive me for being a little bit of a whackadoodle.

Love,
Jane

Snacks

Dear M&M's,

Stop staring at me from the vending machine. It's creepy. I don't eat things that stare at me anyway.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Second Job,

Please stop padding my wallet and making me feel sort of good about myself. I kind of want to quit you.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear El Nino,

You are supposed to make it rain this fall. I say bring it. If possible, before this fall. I'm tired of weeks of 100+ degree weather. It's just not right for people to have to live this way.

Then again, please don't wash us all away in months of flash flooding. Also, I think they're supposed to redo the roof of my condo this fall, so if you could schedule yourself around that, it would be fabulous.

Kisses,
Jane

***

Dear Friday afternoon,

Good lord, will you ever end?

Love,
Jane

Oompa loompa do ba dee doo

Dear Spray Tan Lady,

I look a little... orange today. I probably deserve it, though. After all, my hair would probably be red and my skin freckled if I ever ventured out into the sunlight. I should have known better than to think I could look at all "natural" with a tan.

Love,
Your friendly neighborhood vampire Oompa Loompa

****

Dear ACL Fest,

Why did you already sell out of tickets? Don't you know I need time to endlessly weigh fairly pointless facts against each other before ultimately just going with my gut? However, not having tickets myself might give me an excuse to avoid letting a friend of a friend stay at my house for the festival. Hmm...

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Internets,

You agreed with Achilles. Retro or not, some foods are just white trashy. I'm not putting away my Jello mold* anytime soon, though. I still think some of those foods are delicious.

Love,
Jane

*I don't really have a Jello mold. But I could see how having one could be really fun.

***

Dear To-Do List,

Holy crap. Why are you so long? Don't you know we're leaving for Puerto Rico tomorrow? Don't you know that the Internets needs my love and attention?

No love for you,
Jane

Excuses, excuses

Dear Friends who Visited for SXSW,

I hope you guys had fun! We had a blast.

Love,
Jane and Achilles

***

Dear Second Job,

Thanks for giving me extra hours! 40 of them, even! And homework! Over the next two weekends! No really, I'm excited! See? I'm using exclamation points!

! = yay!

Or something.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Cake Decorating Class,

You rock my socks off. It's just that I'm sort of lazy/incompetent when it comes to being organized, which makes it hard for me to coordinate grocery shopping, cake baking, and getting myself straight to class after work. I keep forgetting to buy powdered sugar. Maybe I can get it in bulk...

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Adorable Nephew,

I am amazed that you have such a good memory and concept of time. You aren't even three, yet you remembered that I promised to make you Curious George cupcakes in a week. I will make them for you this weekend cutie pie.

Love,
Auntie

***

Dear (daily) 6:00 a.m. Fitness Boot Camp Class,

You are kicking my glutes. In a good way.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Abdominal Muscles,

It's good that you hurt when I laugh/sit down/breathe. No, really.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Achilles,

Don't worry - I am not neglecting your birthday. Party plans and gift are in the works.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Internets,

Sorry I have been neglecting you a bit. At least I didn't say "OMG I have been SOOOO busy LOL, luv ya!" or something, right?

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Jane,

Take a flippin nap.

Love,
The Universe

We interrupt this break to bring you the following message

Dear Internets,

I have been distracted from blogging this week by boring work stuff that keeps me busy late into the evening. Don't worry; I still love you longtimes, and will be back with the remaining 19 things about me and stories about bananas soon.

In the meantime, I have decided to have a mini contest. Whoever leaves the funniest joke in the comments wins a prize. (A good prize, not a bad poem. Unless you want one.)

Love,
Jane

P.S. I've already heard the one about the pirate with the steering wheel on his hoo-hoo.

Moonlighting

Dear 2nd job,

Sonofasomethingson blank! I wish I knew how to quit you.

Love,
Jane

Who know what evil lurks in the hearts of appliances?

Dear Oven,

Why are you no longer cooking things evenly? I have even started using the $30 cookie sheet. Doesn't that make you feel like a nice, classy oven that works fabulously?

I hope I won't be replacing my fourth* appliance since moving in.

Your friend,
Jane

*Or fourth and fifth, rather, since I'd probably also need to replace the above-the-stove microwave.

***

Dear $30 cookie sheet,

I still don't understand why you cost $30. And you don't even fit in my cabinets. But I think I like you anyway.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Jane,

Stop eating cookies.

Love,
Your Waistline

***

Dear Waistline,

I eat to fill the void left in my heart when the Internets decides to only hang out with the cool kids.

Love,
Jane

P.S. Actually, that's a lie. I just like cookies.

***

Dear Internets,

Lies or not, I hear it's delurking day/week/year. Say hello! Tell me the secret to keeping old appliances from running away with my savings! Tell me your favorite flavor of cookie!

Hope to hear from you soon.

Love,
Jane

Love notes

Dear Donuts,

Shhh.... You don't have to tell anyone about our secret rendezvous. It'll just be between us.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Pants,

Please stop inching up around my ankles to reveal my bumblebee socks. It's probably not professional.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Bailey,

I'm glad you enjoyed being dropped off at the house with the giant yard this morning. Please don't bark all day.

Love,
Mama

***

Dear Jane,

Please stop referring to yourself as your dog's "mama." It's pretty effing creepy. Your boyfriend reads this blog.

Sincerely,
The Universe

***

Dear Universe,

Please send more donuts.

Love,
Jane

Remember the Alamo!

Dear Internets,

Achilles and I are headed to San Antonio to celebrate the New Year. [Christmas newsletter interlude: I can't believe it's almost 2009!! 2008 was quite a year for the Distractible family!] We're going to hang out with one of A's law school friends and walk around the Riverwalk like the tourists we are. Hooray tourism.



What about you, Internets? Any exciting plans/resolutions/non-resolutions for tonight and beyond?

Love always,
Jane

Ow. Owie ow ow.

Dear Jane,

I think you have an ear infection.

Love,
Your immune system

P.S. Have fun at work tomorrow.

I survived

Dear Internets,

I survived the green peanut butter!

I'm not feeling so hot this morning, but I think it might have more to do with the margarita I had before trivia night last night than the funky PB. (It seems like restaurants have started competing to see who can sell the most ridiculously strong frozen margaritas. My tolerance for strong drinks isn't what it was in college, though, so maybe it's all my imagination.)

This probably will not fascinate anyone who's not going to ACL Fest, but the (very) extended weather forecasts for Austin are finally showing a cold front/rain in the next few weeks. It's possible that there won't be a 100-degree plus dust bowl this year. This makes me happy. (Fall in general makes me happy, actually.)

I'm off to do a rain dance (of the cold front, non-hurricane variety).

Love,
Jane

Meeting Notes

Dear Jane,

Please stop taking notes like this in meetings. It is going to get us in trouble.

Meetings 101: One doodle per page, Jane!

You say doodling helps you concentrate on what people are saying.

They have a hard time believing that when you write "Zzzzzzzzz" under your pictures.

I just think it's probably a good idea to take a little break from the doodling, Jane, and focus on your work.

Love,
Your Brain

P.S. I do kind of like this fox, though.

Ouch

Dear Foot,

Please don't be broken. If you decide that being broken is the way to go, let's go with a stress fracture.

Love,
Jane

I promise I'm not just listing minor celebrities to attract Googlers

Dear Blog,

I hope you enjoyed your long weekend off. This weekend was seriously filled with moment after moment of "oh my gosh I need to tell my Blog about that." Well, mostly. But we'll get to that.

Friday, I was pretty much exhausted after subsisting on caffeine all week (it's a vicious cycle, I tell you). So after I went to dinner with A (Threadgill's, mmmm....), I passed out, my tummy filled with delicious fried okra, macaroni and cheese, and steamed broccoli (the broccoli canceled out the mac & cheese & fried-ness, in case you were wondering). Going to bed early was a good call, really, because I had to get up early to work at job #2.

I had left my wallet and driver's license at job #1 on Friday, so I stopped by the office to get it on my way out to Small Town*, Texas. (*Name changed to protect the guilty. Forget what you may have learned from watching "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" or "To Catch a Predator"; if there's anything small town police officers in Texas are notorious for, it's giving out tickets to out-of-towners. Considering my lead foot and my burned-out right brake light, I wasn't taking any chances.) I stopped to let the security guard know that I was going in the building, and he said, "Go on in, Sugar, thanks for letting me know." [Note to any stranger who calls me "Sugar," "Mija," "Honey," or "Little Mama": I love you.] [Note to the building where I work: you are scary as heck after hours.]

After picking up my wallet and practically sprinting away from my scary office building, I drove for about an hour through rolling green hills to get to Small Town. When I arrived, it was about 76 degrees outside and the air smelled like barbecue. For the first time (probably in my whole life) I considered that living in a small town might not be as bad as I'd always thought. However, five hours, 20 degrees, and 55 high school students telling stories about their Friday night exploits later (got drunk after the football game, went to "Wallmarts," bought baseball bats, "smayshed stuff") I quickly came back to my senses.

After I got off work, A and I headed to campus for the football game. A friend of a friend of a friend had a big tailgate party set up, and we ate and drank for free until it was time to head to the stadium to see Vince Young's number get retired. I have to say, of all the local celebrities I saw this weekend, I got most excited about VY. (I think I might officially love him more than Major Applewhite; Major broke my heart when I issued him a cashier's check so that he could go buy an engagement ring. Sigh.)

The football game was great, although it was a bit surreal. They just finished renovating the stadium, so in addition to the old standbys like Godzillatron, the heavily-sedated Bevo, Smokey the Canon, and Big Bertha the giant drum, there were 98,000 people, pyrotechnics, fireworks, a bunch of celebrities and a baton twirler throwing flaming batons. It was a bit overwhelming, honestly. After Vince Young, Kevin Durant, Major Applewhite and Gail Goestenkors (assistant Olympic basketball coach) all made triumphant returns to UT via Godzillatron, I said to A, "Good grief. All we need now is Matthew McConaughey to show up, and we'll have a complete set of recent beloved Longhorns."

At that exact moment, Matthew McConaughey's face lit up the screen. He was on the field with his girlfriend who looked lovely, but a bit terrified, holding either their baby or a sack of potatoes in a sling. (A's brother, who was on the sidelines, later confirmed that Matthew's girlfriend was indeed holding their baby. Considering that football fields aren't exactly the safest place in the world for babies - good going Matthew - I figured that explained the look of terror on her face).

Despite normally being a very loyal fan, it was just too hot to be loud, wear orange, OR stay late. Feeling dehydrated, hungry, and tired, we left with a couple of minutes to go in the fourth quarter (Dear Vince, Major, Mack, et al: I'm sorry. I did come early. Does that redeem me at all?) I loaded up on tomato pie and water and headed to bed.

Sunday, I checked my email to make sure that I had the correct time and contact information for Saving Diva. We were going to meet for ice cream later that afternoon - or so I thought. To my horror, I found out that Saving and I had gotten our dates crossed, and I had inadvertently stood her up on Saturday. I felt (and still feel) super guilty. I owe her a dark chocolate ice cream cone or two. I probably need to attend the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, so that I don't mis-read emails in the future. (Sorry again, Saving.)

Sunday evening, A and I loaded our running gear and iPods and headed downtown to run in the Nike Human Race. Aaron "HottieMcHotPants" "Olympic swimmer that I respect tremendously" Peirsol started the hot, hilly Austin race. The man that sold me my first pair of running shoes had the fastest time in Austin; Lance Armstrong finished 6th (is there anything he can't do?), and Matthew McConaughey finished 128th. I did not finish first, 6th, or 128th, although I did finish in the top half of the world, if you count the people who didn't show up.

After drinking gallons and gallons of water (the theme of this weekend was "dehydration") and eating a couple of slices of pizza, I went to sleep.

I woke up early, took Bailey on a long walk, went to visit my grandmother (who was in town for the weekend), took my sister a coffee because she had to work (on Labor Day! Blasphemy!) and then headed to my friend Kat's house for a barbecue. I lasted until about 5:30, when I headed home and slept until I had to get up for work this morning.

And that is about it. I realize that this is about 20 times longer (yet not, unfortunately, 20 times more interesting) than most of my blog posts. I will try to go back to being my normal, more concise self tomorrow.

Love, as always,
Jane

Regressing

Dear Mozilla,

Normally, you can do no wrong in my book. I love Firefox and have preached about it to just about everyone I know. However, I can't stand the thing you call the "Awesome Bar," at least not at work. It violates a little thing I like to call "my privacy." Like Microsoft with Vista, you forced a fix on me for something that wasn't broken in the first place.

I tried all the upgrades/tweaks/add-ons that were supposed to make it work better, but it just didn't do it for me. I'll try to get used to Firefox 3 at home, maybe, but at work I am going to be one of those bumps-on-a-log who reverts back to Firefox 2 until there's an option to disable the Annoying Bar. I just can't take it.

Love always,
Jane

Mundane

Dear Self,

Your to-do list for the week:

• email tutoring student.
• finish writing and testing modules at work.
• wrap T's birthday present.
• run.
  
• clean fish tank.
• turn in time sheets for 2nd job.
  
• get haircut.
  
• grade essays.
• buy stamps.
• do laundry/drop off dry cleaning.
  
• stop falling asleep by 9:00 p.m. every night.
  

I don't know how you handle this constant excitement. Please, tone it down a bit.

Yours (with only a little sarcasm),
Jane