Vacation all I ever wanted

Dear Internets,

I never really know what to do (blog-wise) when I go on vacation. Guest posts? Ghost posts? No posts?

What are your thoughts, Internets? Anyone* want to write a letter to the Universe/the Internets/your boss/etc while I'm on vacation?

Love,
Jane

*I'm just a girl, standing in front of the Internets, asking them to love her, hoping she won't hear crickets.

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The life

Dear Internets,

It's Friday evening. I'm sitting on the couch watching "Secret Lives of Women: Mail Order Brides" while I wait for Achilles to get home so we can go get pizza. My pre-dinner snack of macaroni and cheese is almost ready on the stove.

Sometimes life is really, really good.

Love,
Jane

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I'm a believer in Neil Diamond

Dear Internets,

I've been a little down-in-the-dumps lately, so I thought I'd make a list of the top 5 things that are making me happy right this minute.

5. We (Achilles, me, and 6 of our closest friends) are only a couple weeks away from our trip to Lake Tahoe. Achilles has promised me birthday cupcakes while we're there. (Anyone wanna dog sit?)
4. My second job is gearing back up. More money + getting to be a big ham + actual human interaction at work = happy Jane.
3. Ben's boob cupcakes. They're hilarious, and benefit a cause close to my heart* (and yours too, if you're a lady or... have ever hugged a lady. Sorry. That sounded a lot better in my head.)
2. I just read that Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand were in the high school choir together. I like to think it was just like GLEE! Only real life! And there's a new episode of GLEE is on tonight - double win!
1. This short film I watched on YouTube. So cute! (Cried at my desk.)



What's making you happy today Internets?

Love,
Jane

*Speaking of that, did you know that a majority of women have a left breast that is slightly larger than their right breast? You learn something new every day. High five for learning!

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Stalky stalk stalk

Dear Internets,

So it appears that I don't have meningitis (which, logical or not, was my first thought when I woke up with a stiff neck)(I'm glad I'm not the only one whose brain works that way). I guess I just slept in a strange position or something. Anyhoodles.

I found a former coworker's blog (we worked together almost 9 years ago) and have been reading her archives all afternoon. It is so weird. I normally don't feel creepy reading blogs - after all, the writer decides what they do and don't publish - but reading J's blog makes me feel like a total stalker. Even though we haven't talked for several years, there's a weird sense of familiarity. I have eaten lunch with some of the people she talks about. We shop at some of the same grocery stores. Her voice as a writer is so similar to the way she was when I knew her: open, dry, sarcastic, matter-of-fact.

I wonder if she'd censor herself if she knew I was reading her blog (answer: probably not). I wonder how many acquaintances from my past have found my blog (answer: I don't want to think about it).

Thinking about all this has put me in a kind of weird mood. I should probably just stop reading, but that is unlikely to happen. Oh well.

I hope your day has been less weird than mine Internets.

Love,
Jane

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Pain in the neck

Holy moly Internets.

I had a slightly stiff neck last night. I figured the best thing for it would be rest, so I went to bed.

I can barely move my head this morning.

I promise I will be back to read and comment on your blogs tomorrow.

XOXO,
Jane

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The advice vice

Dear Internets,

I spend a lot of time mentally composing lists of "good advice" that I'd either like to tell my kids someday, or go back in time and tell myself. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I mentally write letters to myself at 80, or pretend I'm 80-year-old Jane writing letters to 28-year-old me.

For example:

Dear Jane in 1998,

Everyone thinks they're going to marry their first serious boyfriend or girlfriend. Don't be so obnoxious.

Love,
Jane 2009

Or:

Dear Jane in 2001,

Cute boys with guitars are often cute boys with no jobs. It's fine to split the check, but don't always be the one who picks it up.

Love,
Jane 2009

P.S. There's a very romantic picnic in your future that probably cost all of $3. If he's worth your time, he'll find a way to make you feel special once in a while.
P.P.S. Picnic guy turned out not to be worth your time either. It's still a good lesson though.

Or:

Dear Jane in 1991,

"What are you going to be when you grow up?" is the most asinine question grown-ups ask kids. They're just hoping you'll say something like "astronaut" or "ballerina" so that they can wink at each other and feel smug. Most of the people who ask don't have a clue themselves. Don't feel so pressured to figure it all out before junior high.

Love,
Jane 2009

P.S. When the time comes, remember: it is always better to have more tampons on hand than you think you'll need.

Or:

Dear Jane in 2009,

Be nice to your family and friends. Forgive them. Life is short. Be happy.

Love,
Jane 2060

And perhaps most often:

Dear Jane 2009,

For the love of God, stop leaving sodas in the freezer!

Love,
Jane 2009

What is the advice you wish someone had (or would) give you? What do you want to try (and probably fail) to get your kids to understand to keep them from repeating your mistakes?

I look forward to hearing what you wish you woulda known, Internets.

Love,
Jane

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Because I can't keep my mouth shut

Dear Internets,

This morning, my mother and I got into the stupidest argument ever:

Mom (abridged): I'm going with your sister to the professional photographer this morning so that she can get pictures taken of your freakishly attractive niece and nephew*.

Me: Oh, that'll be nice. I like the photographer she uses. Is she getting the pictures for Christmas cards?

Mom: Yes, and also because she hasn't gotten any professional pictures of Lauren yet.

Me: Oh, that's nice. I bet they'll be cute.

Mom (slightly offended): Of *course* they'll be cute. Why wouldn't they be?

Me: Uh.... Oh. No, of course they'll be cute...

Mom: Yes. They will.

Me: (thinking) Maybe I should compliment my sister. Mom seems to be happy with T this morning. (aloud) You know, I'm impressed with T for getting cards made and mailed out every year. Christmas cards are nice, but I don't know if I'll ever send them. You have to be so organized to get everything done.

Mom (clearly offended): Well, as an aunt, a great-aunt, and FINALLY a grandmother, I have to say, I like getting Christmas cards. You know, some people actually care how their family is doing. Besides, you can be organized when you choose to. You just never care enough.

Me: I was... I... I just meant that it seems like an awfully stressful thing to put yourself through. And expensive. And... trees... Um... [Editor's note: here is where I get annoyed myself and everything goes downhill.] And besides. I do have a hard time with organization Mom. Remember the whole learning disability thing?

Mom: Oh, you could get over that if you really wanted to. Christmas cards are wonderful. Your father and I were so excited when we FINALLY got to announce to the world that we were grandparents three years ago. We thought we were going to have to wait forever to do that, you know.

What I felt like saying: Yeah, it's crazy that T had the nerve to wait until she was 27 and married to get pregnant. What an old maid! And it's too bad none of the losers I dated in college knocked me up so I could have just moved home and lived with you for the rest of my life.

What I actually said: Uh huh. Yeah, you're right. My generation is more into Facebook than Christmas cards I guess. Listen, I have to go to work, I'll talk to you later.

end scene

Why do I do it? Why do I take the bait? I heard the tone in my mom's voice when we started talking: "You haven't talked to me in three days. I'm feeling neglected, so I'm going to pick a fight."

I know what to do when she gets that tone: cut the conversation short as cheerfully as possible ("Oh! My boss is calling! TTYL XOXOXOXO!") and call her back after she's had a few hours to take a nap and/or get into a fight with my sister.

Instead, I decided to take a stand. Why? Because the mailing (or not) of Christmas cards is so important to me? Because I think I can change her into a person who doesn't enjoy fighting with her daughters**? I have no idea.

Internets, what is wrong with me? Can we just blame it on my lack of sleep last night?

At least I didn't let her bring up the wedding.

Love,
Jane

*Seriously. Compared to my niece and nephew, the Gerber baby looks like he fell off the ugly tree and got hit by a few branches on the way down. They freak me out.
**Once, when she was in a good(?) mood, my mom admitted that she likes picking fights with my sister and me, because it reassures her that we care about her.

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