Leap

We were supposed to close on the sale of our condo today. That did not happen, due to a cluster of annoying factors not really related to us. The offer we had is most likely going to fall through, and we'll have to start the whole process over.

However, I'm trying to stay positive, because today is Leap Day. When you have a whole extra day in a year, you should not spend it being sad. So here are five things I'm grateful for today:

1. Even though I would have liked to have a bambino (here, or on the way) by now, it's nice to be able to maintain a laser-like focus on Getting This Condo Situation Taken Care Of ASAP. And it wouldn't be as crowded if (ugh, worst-case scenario) we end up moving back into the condo.

1b. This also meant that last night (when everything fell apart) I was able to enjoy a glass of wine. (OK, two glasses...)

2. My sister/Realtor is awesome and being super helpful.

3. Bailey is unaffected by this. And adorable.

4. Rather than dreaming about new houses, I can go back to my (even more enjoyable) fantasies about quitting my job.

5. We will probably have our tax refund back in time to use it to pay any additional condo-related expenses that come up.

Everything will work out eventually. And even though I'm not sure that this quote really applies to our situation, it still makes me feel better:

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure...than to rank among those poor spirits who neither enjoy much or suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat"
~Theodore Roosevelt

It never rains in Austin except on my head

Oh Internets.

Life has not been super bueno around these parts.

• The weekend after Crazy Poop Lady left her mark on our front door, a drunk driver (Crazy Drunk Lady #2) drove into both Abe's and my parked cars. Neither was totaled, but the insurance situation is a mess - it was a hit & run, she's now in jail and not responding to the insurance company's requests for a statement, etc.
• My job (which used to consist of mostly lovely interactions with lovely people) has lately mostly involved getting yelled at on the phone about things that aren't in my control. And two of my good friends and favorite coworkers are probably going to be let go.
• We are about to put my condo on the market, and some unexpected repairs and fees (along with the vehicle repair nonsense) have us feeling a little financially strained.

I know so many people have things way worse - but I'm feeling run down. I wind up in tears from stress and anxiety pretty much every day. When neighbors knock on the door, my heart races and I wonder what horrible thing is about to happen. I'm irritable and grumpy - I'm sure I'm a joy to be around. Abe is so stressed enough about his new job that I'm reluctant to dump my problems on him.

I don't know what to do. Am I depressed or just sad? Anxious or just reacting logically to recent events?

Maybe in a few weeks I'll be back to my glass-is-half-full self, and have everything figured out again. I sure hope so.

Thanks for letting me vent, Internets.

Pooped

Dear Internets,

I finally got a laptop (I love you, my lovely MacBook Pro). I'm finding it much more tempting to blog now that I'm not hen-pecking on an iPad.

Things are mostly good around these parts. Bullet points update on the goings-on at the Distractible household:

• I've been at my "new" job 10 months. I work from home, and for the most part, I really like it.
• We're getting the condo ready to sell.
• Abe started work as a police officer, and for the most part, he really likes it.
• The chickens started laying eggs. We average about two a day.
• Bailey is awesome. He loves having me home all the time. We're thinking of doing a joint Halloween costume: him as a dalmatian, and me as Cruella de Vil.
• We have another insane neighbor.

Wait, you say. What was that last one?

Well, we have another poop-smearing neighbor. She lives a few houses down, apparently. I say "apparently" because in the past 10 months, while we've seen and waved to her husband and daughters, we had never interacted with (or really even seen) her.

This all changed Saturday night when she tried to force her way into our house while drunk and on some type of drugs. She smeared blood (her own) and feces (hopefully not her own) all over our door. Her hands and feet were both bare.

We are not sure what, if anything, we did to make her angry. She said something about our dog, but Bailey doesn't bark, poop in neighbors' yards, or do anything that could possibly anger someone enough to go on a late-night poop-smearing expedition (as far as we know - he does spend an hour or two a week alone). She was arrested yesterday for something unrelated to the turd terrorism, so probably she's just nuts. (It was her second arrest this month, so if I had to guess...)

Anyway, that's what we're up to. Hopefully my lovely MacBook Pro will entice me to blog a little more often and my nutty neighbor will stay in jail. Miss you all.

Love,

Jane

Baby New Year seems like kind of a jerk

I almost always try to cram too many things into my last couple days of vacation. Eye appointments, vet appointments, laundry. The list goes on and on.

Today after an unsuccessful visit to the eye doctor (they changed ownership and no longer take my insurance), I grabbed fast food lunch (the healthy eating will start tomorrow, I guess), and headed home to watch bad television and finish some laundry.

I heard what sounded like a series of loud knocks on the door. Thinking it was an overly-assertive UPS guy, I opened the door.

Smashed eggs and dog poo slid down the door and into the entryway. I saw my neighbor's boyfriend walking across the parking lot away from our door and back to his girlfriend's condo.

Said neighbor's boyfriend has been known to be kind of a jerk. In the past few weeks, his (off-leash) dog has attacked Bailey twice, once while I was getting out of my car and was physically unable to get out from the middle of the dog fight. Abe and I both suggested he walk his dog on a leash to avoid future altercations. He replied that we were "f---ing f----ts." For the next few days, he made a point of creepily watching me as I walked to my car on my way to work.

Still, this latest act seemed really violent and out-of-the-blue. I called the police and the property management company.

The property manager was on the phone with another owner when I called. When she called back, she told me that she'd been on the phone with another owner whose dog had been attacked by the boyfriend's off-leash dog that morning. As a result of the morning's dog attack (as well as several other reports from other residents), the boyfriend and his dog (neither of whom were on the lease) had been evicted a few hours prior.

Apparently, the jerk boyfriend assumed that since we were the ones who'd complained to him about his off-leash dog, we were the ones who got him evicted.

Of course, when the police officer questioned him about the dog feces and eggs on our door, the boyfriend denied any involvement and said he'd seen "suspicious looking kids wandering around the complex." While the police officer is filing a report (which will help if a pattern of psycho behavior develops), it's really our word against crazy boyfriend's at this point.

To top all this off, when the police officer came by to talk to me, Bailey got so excited that he knocked a glass off the coffee table and broke it. I tried to clean it up too quickly and cut my hand.

Five stitches and a tetanus shot later, I think it's safe to say that this has been kind of a bad day.

On my mind, pt. 1

Achilles (I think I'm just going to start calling him Abe from now on) and I are moving in a month or two.

We're going to live in my grandmother's house because it shouldn't sit empty; because it has a huge backyard for Bailey; because it's cheaper and closer to work.

We can't sell the condo right now, so we'll rent it out. I'm not sure that I want to be a landlord, but I think the move will be a good thing. Abe, Bailey and I aren't exactly cramped in the condo, but we'll definitely enjoy a little more room to breathe. It'll be nice to have curb-side recycling and a garden that isn't planted in pots. I'll have a compost bin, and my dad said he'll help me get started raising a few chickens.

Still, it breaks my heart a little to leave my condo. Sure, I joked that ghosts broke every appliance in my first year of home ownership, but I love the high ceilings, the natural light, the safe neighborhood, and the friendly neighbors who tell me over and over how much they adore Bailey.

My grandma's house is older, and a bit dreary. Our new neighbors have emphasized that they are not dog fans, and that they expect that Bailey will not bark. The neighborhood... is a little sketchy, sometimes.

Most likely, things will turn out fine. Most likely, we won't end up with tenants from hell who destroy the condo. We'll clean and paint my grandma's house, and it will feel just as bright and happy as our condo did. Most likely, we'll get along with our neighbors. Maybe they'll even learn to like Bailey, or at least to get along with him.

Most likely, it'll be a good step.

I'm just a little scared to pick up my foot.

Inhale...

Things that are currently making me pull out my hair (Volume 1):

• It has been a while since Austin has been in the direct path of a tropical storm or hurricane. When Hermine blew through last week, we saw a lot of flooding. Unfortunately, by "we," I mean Achilles and me. Our condo was leaking water upstairs, downstairs, and on one side. We still aren't exactly sure whether we're responsible for the repairs or whether the COA is responsible (we think the roof was leaking).
• ACL Fest is in about three weeks. Three of Achilles friends are coming to stay with us. (In our condo. That needs a lot of work. Gah. I can't take time off from either job to prepare.)
• I have two stand up performances in the next two weeks. I really don't feel ready. I've been so busy with my new job, I haven't written a lot of new material. I know a lot of comics re-use the same jokes over and over, but I get sort of bored with my jokes. (P.S. If you will be in the area and would like to come to a performance, I'd still love to see you. Just let me know if you're interested.)
• My new job pretty much involves me constantly asking my supervisor questions. He encourages the questions, is a very nice guy, and told me from the first day to expect that I'd be in his office asking questions at least 80% of the time at first. Still, every time I have to go in there, I find myself thinking, "If they have to fire someone, this is why they'll pick me." The more nervouse I get, the more mistakes I make. It's all very vicious cycle/circle-y.
• I still don't have my teaching application completed. (It's not due for two months, but I hate having it hanging over my head.)
• Achilles injured himself somehow training for the half marathon. He has to recover in time for the police academy (which is a whole other ball of anxiety I can't even begin to talk about) so I'm stuck training for the half marathon by myself.

I'll survive all this, of course. All I have to do is remember to breathe and maybe keep a few extra towels on hand. Wish me luck.

Although we go... to the end of the vacation road...

Dear Work,

Why do I have to go back to you tomorrow? I'm just not ready. I'm glad to have you, really, it's just that I *really* got used to being on vacation. I went back to Job #2 yesterday, and that was fine, so my return to you will probably be fine too. Right? Right?

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Michael Cera,

I like love have adored for years and years the song that's playing in the trailer for your new movie. I could recommend a few Old 97's songs that would be great in an Arrested Development movie.

I'm just sayin.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Condo,

If you could magically restore yourself to pre-renovation project cleanliness/organization levels, that would be great.

XOXO,
Jane

***

Dear Self,

What happened to eating healthier and exercising over the winter break? Shame on you (and those delicious chocolate candy pretzels).

Yours shamefully,
Jane

Washers and Dryers, pt 397

Dear Sears,

Here's hoping your repair service is better than your delivery service.

Your friend (at least for now),
Jane

***

Dear Dryer,

Why do you hate us? We have shown you nothing but love. However, I do thank you for breaking while still under the manufacturer's basic warranty.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Self,

Maybe next time you shouldn't be so smug about declining the extended warranty, no matter what you may have read on Consumer Reports.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Bailey,

Please don't bite the washer dryer repair guy. Or the plumber. Or the guy who's coming out to dig the tree roots out of the sewer line.

Love,
Mom

***

Dear Inventor of the Monday Morning Meeting,

You and I are not friends. I mean, really.

Jane

***

Dear Internets,

Here's hoping your week is off to a slightly better start than mine!

Kisses,
Jane

My smug problem

Dear Internets,

Shortly after I posted my rant about the washer/dryer delivery people, I had a revelation:

I live in Texas. Approximately 893 (give or take a few) of my closest friends drive trucks.

While normally I quietly judge my truck-driving friends for their unnecessarily large eco-footprints, there comes a time when a gal has to swallow her pride and admit that trucks come in handy sometimes. Interestingly enough, that time comes when the gal needs large pieces of furniture delivered to her house.*

I called the Sears Home Delivery people to see if I could go by the distribution center to pick up my washer and dryer, and less than 24 hours later I was helping watching Achilles and his brother carry my new appliances into my condo. It was magical, really.

So Internets, I learned a lesson. Sometimes the best way to tackle a problem is not to whine about it to the Internets, but to use your brain to figure out a solution. Who knew?

Love always,
Jane

*Sometimes that time also comes when you need to move and are too lazy/broke/neurotic to hire movers.

Growly things

Dear Internets,

Sorry for the crap post. I am sleep-deprived and irritable, and wearing the clothes from the back of the closet since I haven't had easy access to laundry for the past couple of weeks. I'm trying hard not to be super whiny/grumpy/homicidal about (STILL) not having my washer/dryer, since I realize it's hardly the end of the world and there ARE laundromats in Austin*. But it's hard to be upbeat when I feel so rumpled.

You know how there are reasons you don't wear certain articles of clothing as often as others? For example, maybe you have one pair of work pants that looks great with one of your tops, but when paired with anything else makes your hips look like you could give birth to an 11-pound baby without even noticing? And you should probably get rid of the pants, because when you run out of laundry you tend to pair them with a perpetually wrinkly tee shirt and a cardigan and pretend that's OK because the cardigan is black (and therefore professional-looking) and your boss works from home on Mondays and won't see you anyway?

Yeah.

I feel like the anti-Holly Golightly. I want my washer. Or my mom.

If you run into the Universe, you might mention that I'd like some donuts.

Love,
Jane

*Seriously, Sears Home Delivery is like a bad boyfriend. If they would just ADMIT that they aren't going to be able to deliver my washer/dryer for the next decade, I could move on with my life, get a roll of quarters, and go to the damn laundromat. Yet they insist upon giving me a false sense of hope. Sigh.

Alphabetizing my bit sweets

Dear Kitchen Floors,

If you could magically stop being ugly vinyl, that would be awesome.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear People Who Were Supposed to Deliver my New Washer and Dryer Yesterday,

It would have helped if you'd given me more than 12 hours notice that my order had been delayed for a week and a half. I might not have spent my weekend running all over town trying to sell my dryer to a lady from Craigslist who didn't have a phone and left me (literally) 13 messages from 11 different numbers.

And I probably wouldn't have spent yesterday evening at the laundry mat, because I'd still have my old washer and dryer.

Sincerely,
Jane

***

Dear Jane,

Thanks for spending several hours yesterday reorganizing me. Perhaps you were redirecting your anger at the washer/dryer delivery people into more positive channels? At any rate, thanks! The Home Depot and Container store thank you as well. As does the local economy.

Love,
Your Kitchen

***

Dear Peanut M&M's,

I know that we've been over this before, but sometimes, you complete me. You really do.

Love,
Jane

Who know what evil lurks in the hearts of appliances?

Dear Oven,

Why are you no longer cooking things evenly? I have even started using the $30 cookie sheet. Doesn't that make you feel like a nice, classy oven that works fabulously?

I hope I won't be replacing my fourth* appliance since moving in.

Your friend,
Jane

*Or fourth and fifth, rather, since I'd probably also need to replace the above-the-stove microwave.

***

Dear $30 cookie sheet,

I still don't understand why you cost $30. And you don't even fit in my cabinets. But I think I like you anyway.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Jane,

Stop eating cookies.

Love,
Your Waistline

***

Dear Waistline,

I eat to fill the void left in my heart when the Internets decides to only hang out with the cool kids.

Love,
Jane

P.S. Actually, that's a lie. I just like cookies.

***

Dear Internets,

Lies or not, I hear it's delurking day/week/year. Say hello! Tell me the secret to keeping old appliances from running away with my savings! Tell me your favorite flavor of cookie!

Hope to hear from you soon.

Love,
Jane

Pre-Weekend Rambling

Dear Job,

I like you, but you make my brain hurt sometimes.

Sometimes I think I'm mostly right-brained person with a completely left-brained job. Actually, I don't know if I'm right-brained or left-brained; if I blog before work, I find it difficult to switch gears and look at computer code and spreadsheets; if I wait until after I get off work to blog, it's like my creative juices are all dried up.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm super-excited that the weekend is here, except that it will be mostly spent doing the following:

• unpacking/organizing
• working at job #2
• going to Home Depot for random stuff that I don't really want to spend money on, but need so that my condo doesn't crumble completely into a pile of rubble and squalor
• bathing my (70-lb, hates-to-be-bathed) dog
• moving my betta upstairs/hoping he survives the move
• studying
  

We are going to the UT/Rice game. The weather has been absolutely amazing this week - highs in the mid-80's, so that will be nice.

I am going to stop now... This is getting painful to read. [Turn off already, Left Brain! It's Friday.]

Love always,
Jane

The world is full of "guys," Lloyd.

Dear Internets,

• I finished the big part of my work deadline. My brain feels like someone took a mixer to it.
• A's dad (a retired, but still licensed plumber) thinks he can fix the plumbing situation at my condo for free. Score one for Jane! [Current tally: Jane, 1/Condo, 493.]
• I'm thinking of having a dinner party in two weeks, but I haven't thought of a theme. I was thinking "Perry Como," but I don't know how far I could take that one. Any ideas?
  
• I kind of like that Nivea "finally, a body wash for grown-ups" commercial. Men (and women) are almost universally infantilized in pop culture; it's about time that people be encouraged to act like grown-ups.
  
• I am supposed to run 7 miles tonight. I don't think it will be too hot, because it has been raining. However, next Sunday is the Nike Human Race (6.2 miles), and the high is supposed to be a humid 96 degrees. I'm not looking forward to that.
• My brain is pretty much empty now.
  

Love,
Jane

The Flood

Dear Condo,

You are on notice! Major plumbing problems? On top of everything else? Why do you hate me?

I took you in (well, literally speaking, you took me in, but that's not the point), changed your lurid wall colors to normal, resale-friendly colors that don't make people's eyes bleed, replaced eleventy-zillion broken appliances, and kept my poor dog confined mostly to one room so that he would not rip you to shreds. And this is how you repay me: soapy water overflowing from the toilet when I try to run the dishwasher or washing machine (hmmm.... On that note, I hope this is not the straw that causes me to have to buy a new washing machine).

I am disappointed, Condo. I am beginning to think that you are enjoying this sort of abusive boyfriend role you are playing in my life. You could have at least waited until after my crazy work deadline passed to spring this on me.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should start seeing other domiciles, Condo. This just might not be working out.

Not-so-lovingly yours,
Jane

Quick Washing Machine Update

Dear Internets,

Do you ever have so much to say that you can't say anything at all? Someday maybe I will get my head screwed on straight and tell you more stories.

I do have some sort of good news. I'm thinking the ghost that haunts my condo has temperature issues: the dishwasher stopped getting hot, the A/C stopped getting cold, and the washing machine started making strange noises *only when I attempted to use warm or hot water*. So to appease the ghost (and delay potentially expensive washing machine repair/replacement) I'm just going to suck it up for a while and invest in some Cold Water Tide.

It kind of reminds me of this joke, but I'm going to try not to think about that.

XOXO,
Jane

Oh the appliances you'll buy...

Dear Washing Machine,

Enough with the strange noises and weird attitude. I know about Murphy's Law and all, but three (expensive) appliances breaking in less than six months, despite semi-consistent maintenance? That's just ridonkulous.

Yours (FOREVER, DAMMIT),
Jane

Budget Woes

Dear Condo Association,

When you charge a large mandatory "special fee" every year, I really feel that you should not be allowed to tell my Realtor that association dues have not gone up in the past 7 years. This makes me very sad, and also very broke. I guess my globe trotting itch will have to wait until next year to be scratched.

Depressed-ly yours,
Jane

Perfectionism vs. Competence

Dear Previous Owners of my Condo,

I understand that different people have different definitions of what is acceptable, and maybe in some universes, taking the light plates and electrical plates off the wall before painting is just too much trouble. But painting over the outlets themselves? That's just kinda lazy.

Yours truly,
Jane