Regressing

Dear Mozilla,

Normally, you can do no wrong in my book. I love Firefox and have preached about it to just about everyone I know. However, I can't stand the thing you call the "Awesome Bar," at least not at work. It violates a little thing I like to call "my privacy." Like Microsoft with Vista, you forced a fix on me for something that wasn't broken in the first place.

I tried all the upgrades/tweaks/add-ons that were supposed to make it work better, but it just didn't do it for me. I'll try to get used to Firefox 3 at home, maybe, but at work I am going to be one of those bumps-on-a-log who reverts back to Firefox 2 until there's an option to disable the Annoying Bar. I just can't take it.

Love always,
Jane

He hung WHAT from the back of his truck?

Dear Internets,

Do people drive around with "Truck Nuts" in other places, or is that just one of those hazards of living in Texas?

Love,
Jane

Caffeine, Caffeine.... Last night I had an awful dream...

Dear Excedrin,

Why do I always forget that you have caffeine? Yesterday, I took one (just one!) of you around 5:00 in the afternoon. I remembered about the caffeine around 2:00 a.m. this morning, when I was laying in bed mentally composing blog posts and my Oscar acceptance speech and wondering why I felt so bouncy.

This morning I don't feel so bouncy.

You are on my list, Excedrin.

~Jane

He's the man, going to work.... Got his tie, got ambition

Dear Internets,

Have you ever just felt like quitting your job, saying "to heck with it all!" and moving away from your family and friends to follow your dreams for a while?

I'm guessing yes, Internets. I mean, who doesn't sometimes hear the call of the open road and want to just keep driving?

Well, one of my good friends Dan actually took the leap a few months ago. He loaded his car up with all kinds of camping and climbing gear and drove from Texas to Colorado so that he could "play outside." He's an awesome, funny, athletic, super sweet guy who posts pictures that will make you want to climb the walls of your cubicle. You should read his blog.

Oh. And ladies? Last I heard, he's single.*

Love,
Jane

*Dan is not a creepy single dude trolling for womens on the internets. But it is fun to embarrass him a little sometimes. Sorry Dan! Couldn't help myself.

The world is full of "guys," Lloyd.

Dear Internets,

• I finished the big part of my work deadline. My brain feels like someone took a mixer to it.
• A's dad (a retired, but still licensed plumber) thinks he can fix the plumbing situation at my condo for free. Score one for Jane! [Current tally: Jane, 1/Condo, 493.]
• I'm thinking of having a dinner party in two weeks, but I haven't thought of a theme. I was thinking "Perry Como," but I don't know how far I could take that one. Any ideas?
  
• I kind of like that Nivea "finally, a body wash for grown-ups" commercial. Men (and women) are almost universally infantilized in pop culture; it's about time that people be encouraged to act like grown-ups.
  
• I am supposed to run 7 miles tonight. I don't think it will be too hot, because it has been raining. However, next Sunday is the Nike Human Race (6.2 miles), and the high is supposed to be a humid 96 degrees. I'm not looking forward to that.
• My brain is pretty much empty now.
  

Love,
Jane

The Flood

Dear Condo,

You are on notice! Major plumbing problems? On top of everything else? Why do you hate me?

I took you in (well, literally speaking, you took me in, but that's not the point), changed your lurid wall colors to normal, resale-friendly colors that don't make people's eyes bleed, replaced eleventy-zillion broken appliances, and kept my poor dog confined mostly to one room so that he would not rip you to shreds. And this is how you repay me: soapy water overflowing from the toilet when I try to run the dishwasher or washing machine (hmmm.... On that note, I hope this is not the straw that causes me to have to buy a new washing machine).

I am disappointed, Condo. I am beginning to think that you are enjoying this sort of abusive boyfriend role you are playing in my life. You could have at least waited until after my crazy work deadline passed to spring this on me.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should start seeing other domiciles, Condo. This just might not be working out.

Not-so-lovingly yours,
Jane

¿Donde esta Jane?

Dear Jane,

Please finish your crazy work deadline and come back to me.

Love,
Your Blog

Lunch Plans

Dear Internets,

My plan is to go to my parents' house at lunch and upload the photos from my dad's camera from the grape stomp.* However, my sister and her family have been staying with my parents for the week while they get new floors at their house. I'm not sure my two-year-old nephew will allow any sort of photo-uploading shenanigans to go down on his watch. In his mind, when aunts come over it is time to have screaming contests, sneak cookies, and watch Blue's Clues. It is not time to be reading the Internets!**

I will do my best not to let you down, Internets. You have my word.

Love,
Jane

*It is possible that I have exaggerated the interesting-ness of these photos a bit. Mostly, they are of feet. And cows.
**Vegas odds: Nephew 1, Jane 0.

100 days, 100 nights... to know a blog's heart

Dear Blog,

Happy 100th post!

I was going to figure out a way to post fireworks or something, with maybe that "TA-DA!!" sound that computers play when you win at solitaire, but I didn't want to get any readers in trouble with their bosses. Also, it seemed like a lot of work, and I am lazy.

Tomorrow (or as soon as I can get the pictures off my dad's camera), I will post an update on the grape stomp. But today, in honor of 100th Post Day, I thought I'd list my favorite-ist posts so far.

Mind Control
Surreality
Dating Games
1986
Spoil Sport
Cat Lady (likely crazy)
Unintentionally Funny

Ouch. Looking through the archives was pretty painful. [Note to Internets: if you ever find yourself so bored that you are tempted to look through my archives, check out my blog roll instead. Those ladies (and gentleman) put my odes to bananas to shame.]

Here's to 100 more, Blog.

Love,
Jane

Grape stomp, grape stomp... You're my grape stomp

Dear Internets,

In a few minutes, I'm off to go stomp on some grapes. I hope they make everyone wash their feet first, or I may never drink wine again. Actually, that is a lie. I will probably just convince myself that the alcohol (and the tannins... yeah, the tannins...) kill germs. Which would directly contradict everything my high school chemistry teacher told us when we made wine as a chemistry experiment, but hey, he didn't want to be responsible for underage teenagers drinking at school, right? He had to tell us it was essentially poisonous. I'm sure it's all bacteria-free.

In other news, I was supposed to go running this morning, but I had either a rich food hangover or mild food poisoning* from last night. Which is a bummer, because my meal - tomato pie and poblano soup - was absolutely delicious, and in an ideal world I could eat it over and over again with no fear of dire consequences. It is also kind of a bummer because I haven't been running in a week, and am beginning to feel very lazy.

*That's probably too much information.

Love ya Internets!
Jane

Hawaiian Shirt Day

Dear Friday,

You are dragging like a bag full of... heavy, wet things that are hard to drag. Please stop this ASAP. I can only make so many trips to the water machine/bathroom...

Love,
Jane

P.S. You do have a little mystery, Friday. One of the tiny pink paper cranes I made out of half of a mini Post-It is missing from the small paper crane colony at my desk. The other three are undisturbed and accounted for, so I'm really not sure what happened to him. If you could call Miss Marple, that would be extremely helpful.

Only one little pink paper crane. How sad. She'll probably get stuck with the little yellow crane at the kids' table at Thanksgiving.

But wait...



It's Swingline and the Amazing Technicolor DreamCrane!



Disaster is averted. Could it be true love?

Yummy is the new Delicious

Dear Honey Whole Wheat Breakfast Sandwich,

With your scrambled eggs, ham, and cheese, you are almost as delicious as breakfast tacos. Almost, but not quite.

Love,
Jane

P.S. In other news, I am going to a grape stomp this weekend with my mom. Attending a grape stomp is one of the things on my list of "Things I Really Want to do Someday, and by Someday, I Mean ASAP."

Morality Play 2008

Conscience: Why did we stay up so late last night? I'm not sure there's enough caffeine in this zip code to keep you awake today.

Jane: Silly Conscience. We were up watching the Olympics, not freebasing hard drugs. What if we had missed seeing a Dramatic Olympic Moment? Sure, we'll be tired for the next couple of weeks, but we love the Olympics. And it could help us with trivia. Just ask Brain.

Brain: Zzzzzz....

Jane: Hmmm... I'd better go get some coffee.

Conscience: I told you so.

Over it

Dear people who say "I'm over it" when you're clear not really "over it" at all,

Could you please find a new catchphrase? I'm over "I'm over it."

Just kidding. But for reals... Denial is not just a river in Egypt, kiddos.

Love always,
Jane

Smart kids

I am trying to be a bit more positive on my blog lately, so rather than writing a rant about how my local newspaper attempts to turn teachers into political punching bags to sell papers, I thought I'd take a different approach.

Dear Ms. D,

You were the first teacher I ever wholeheartedly loved. You made learning a game - not just for me, but for everyone. I still remember the "rap" you taught our class to help us remember our multiplication tables. A lot of teachers might have been worried that the principal wouldn't approve of a classroom full of rapping 2nd graders (it was the late 80's, after all), but we knew our multiplication tables better than most of the 3rd and 4th graders. I'm pretty sure the principal was intimidated by you, anyway.

When I kept getting in trouble for whispering or not paying attention in class, you didn't decide I was some kind of bad seed (although I did my fair share of sitting out during recess) . Instead, you told me I was smart, and gave me work that you said would be more "challenging."

As much as I would have liked to be, I wasn't some sort of teacher's pet who got all of your attention. Once, waiting for my dad after school, I overheard you tutoring one of the "troublemakers" in class, Brian. Somewhat jealous (wondering why the "bad" kids got all the attention) I stood outside the classroom door and eavesdropped.

After a few minutes, I walked away, embarrassed about what I had overheard. You were going through flashcards with letters and phonics. Brian had trouble with most of the cards. Our school, or perhaps even our school district, had a tacit "don't ask, don't fail" policy, but you didn't want Brian to go to third grade without knowing how to read, even if it meant you had to stay several hours after school each day to teach him.

You loved all of your students, and we loved you right back. If the district wants to reward its best teachers with better pay, then you deserve a retroactive bonus (with interest, of course).

Thanks to you, I can calculate that.

Love always,
Jane

Things that don't surprise me, pt. 1

Dear Austin,

Forbes magazine named you the "Hardest Drinking City in America." This does not surprise me. This past weekend, while I worked at my second job and drafted future blog posts, most of my friends were out on the river tubing and binge drinking.

Most of the news articles I've read blame Austin's student population for this dubious honor. However, as a true native Austinite, I blame MTV's "The Real World: Austin" and "all those expensive condos going up downtown."

Anyway, Austin... Enjoy the notoriety while it lasts. One of these days, you'll stop being so trendy.

Love always,
Jane

Book Recommendations

A 21st Century Maxim: When Amazon.com's "Recommended for You" section lists Emergen-C fizzy drink mix and a ukulele, you know it's probably time for you to start reading more books.


Dear Internets,

I'm looking for a few good books to sequester myself away with over the next few weeks, now that the busy season at my second job is dying down. Have you read anything good lately? What do you recommend?

As I am pretty easily distracted by just about anything, I'm interested in anything you have to recommend, from fiction to self-help to La Rochefoucauld. Any ideas?

Love always,
Jane

Just wondering...

Dear Universe,

Is there such a thing as a "professional brainstormer"? If so, I think I could be a good one. If not, it would be lovely, dear Universe, if you could direct me toward something similar.

XOXO,
Jane

Wonders never cease

Dear Paris Hilton,

Normally, I think you're sort of vaguely annoying. Actually, normally I don't think about you much at all. But now? I might kind of love you a little bit. Who knew Paris Hilton could be smart and self-deprecating?

Hope to see more of this side of you, Paris.

Love,
Jane

Trivia Finals

Dear Trivia Team,

Well, we definitely did not win the trivia finals last night.

HOWEVER... Next time, we are going to TRAIN for trivia. And I mean BOOTCAMP people...

Wait y'all, I'm kidding! Guys? Guys...? You still want me on the team, right y'all? Guys?

Love,
Jane

Broken Internets

Dear Blog,

I am sorry that I have neglected you the past few days. My internets has been broken. It has been a little more "Contrary" or "Opinionated Jane" than "Distractible Jane" around these parts lately, so this was probably kind of a fortuitous breaking-of-the-internets. I probably needed a little break to help me stop being such a cranky-pot.

I will be back soon, Blog.

Love,
Jane