For some reason, I decided it was a good idea to go look at a blog that I kept a couple of years ago when I used to go on a lot of bad dates. (One word could describe both the blog and the dates: UGH...)(On the other hand, I did briefly have the honor of being the first search result in Google for "poor single you.")
At any rate, I stumbled upon a post about one of my most awful dates ever. I challenge you, Internets, to beat this:
Accidental Meth Head
A few weeks ago, I met a guy for lunch at a Tex-Mex restaurant near my work. He was cute and charming, actually had a full-time job, and didn't live with his ex-girlfriend. This was a dramatic improvement over other dates I'd been on recently, and I was determined to enjoy myself.
We were having a nice conversation about New Year's resolutions (I had decided not to make any; he wanted to eat out less, hardy har) and Christmas shopping (we were both glad to be done with it) when his phone rang.
"I'm not answering that," he said.
I assumed he was trying to be polite, and assured him I didn't mind if he picked up.
"No, that guy is totally shady," he said.
“Oh?” I said.
“Yeah, because of him, I haven’t slept in like 54 hours.”
Apparently, my date's drug dealer was calling. He had purchased what he thought was “just” cocaine from the dealer, but it had actually turned out to be meth. He had been up for days.
At this moment, staring awkwardly at my quesadilla, I wondered what it would be like to tell this story at the next holiday family gathering.
Inevitably one of my family members (who, unless male, probably got married at 18 and had babies by 20) will ask why I haven’t gotten married yet. My usual response, “I guess I just haven’t found the right guy,” is generally countered with accusations that I am just too picky.
“Picky?” I could say. “The next thing you know, guys will be smoking crack because they think it’s a new kind of cigarette in a vial. Thanks but no thanks, I’m fine by myself.”
If anyone can beat that story, you will win the prize of being the new "Poor Single You" of the Internets. I will even make you a plaque.