Friday, March 27, 2009

Excuses, excuses

Dear Friends who Visited for SXSW,

I hope you guys had fun! We had a blast.

Love,
Jane and Achilles

***

Dear Second Job,

Thanks for giving me extra hours! 40 of them, even! And homework! Over the next two weekends! No really, I'm excited! See? I'm using exclamation points!

! = yay!

Or something.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Cake Decorating Class,

You rock my socks off. It's just that I'm sort of lazy/incompetent when it comes to being organized, which makes it hard for me to coordinate grocery shopping, cake baking, and getting myself straight to class after work. I keep forgetting to buy powdered sugar. Maybe I can get it in bulk...

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Adorable Nephew,

I am amazed that you have such a good memory and concept of time. You aren't even three, yet you remembered that I promised to make you Curious George cupcakes in a week. I will make them for you this weekend cutie pie.

Love,
Auntie

***

Dear (daily) 6:00 a.m. Fitness Boot Camp Class,

You are kicking my glutes. In a good way.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Abdominal Muscles,

It's good that you hurt when I laugh/sit down/breathe. No, really.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Achilles,

Don't worry - I am not neglecting your birthday. Party plans and gift are in the works.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Internets,

Sorry I have been neglecting you a bit. At least I didn't say "OMG I have been SOOOO busy LOL, luv ya!" or something, right?

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Jane,

Take a flippin nap.

Love,
The Universe

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Sir Cakes a Lot

Dear Internets,

Here are some pictures of my practice cakes. The first pictures are of the cake I decorated in my first cake decorating class. The last picture is some cupcakes I made that no one except Achilles ate because no one else loves me.





Yes, deep down I am a 12-year-old girl who likes to doodle. Yay pink!

Happy weekend!

Love,
Jane

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Hazards of working 3 blocks from SXSW

Dear Internets,

As I was walking to the library this morning, a truck carrying five or six Port-a-Potties passed me. Fluids were dripping off the back of the truck that smelled suspiciously like the chemicals that go in the -ahem- potty portion of the Port-a-Potty.

My question is this: those had to be new/fresh Port-a-Potties, right? They wouldn't transport leaky used ones around town like that... right? It would be a public health hazard or something, right?

Yours (and yearning for a shower),
Jane

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

25 Things about Jane: Music and Muzac

Dear Internets,

It's time for me to talk about music. Excuse me while I go hyperventilate for a few minutes...

16. Everyone in 8th grade was more popular than me, whether you were talking about cheerleaders or hippies or flannel-wearing Kurt Cobain devotees. The boy I had a crush on was even in a band (which seemed cool, because I hadn't yet learned the "never, never, never, never, never date a boy with a guitar" rule). As a first chair flutist who took a special advanced math class, I was at the absolute bottom of the social totem pole. I lived in fear of being noticed.

When we were discussing the themes of "The Pearl" in English class, my teacher Ms. Roy thought it would be a fun idea for each of us to bring our own "song of life" to share with the class. I was terrified. None of my friends were in fourth period English with me. I was just the invisible girl who sat in the back corner. This assignment would ensure I'd be visible, and not in a good way.

I had been saving my $5 a week allowance for a horse (how I made it into an advanced math class is beyond me), so I owned exactly one tape: a Randy Travis album that I'd been given for Christmas. With a great deal of trepidation, I stuck it in my backpack and tried to forget about the assignment.

A week later, our songs were "due." I decided to wait until the absolute end of class, in hopes that we'd run out of time and I wouldn't have to play my song. I could just write it down for my teacher and no one would ever have to know what I wrote.

The three most popular boys played their songs first: Smells Like Teen Spirit, Black Hole Sun, Smells Like Teen Spirit. We slowly made our way through the rest of the class' songs. Shoop, Regulate, The Sign, Yellow Submarine. I began to sweat. There was no way I was going to be able to play a three year old country song. Everyone was so much cooler than me.

I had one last hope: Lucy, a cheerleader who got away with listening to country music because of her freakishly good looks. She put her tape in the teacher's stereo.

"You sayyyy, I only hear what I want to..."

Lisa Effing Loeb. I was doomed. I hid the Randy Travis tape deep in my backpack.

A small enclave of tie-dyed neo-hippies sat near my corner of the room. Caroline (Sweet Caroline, of course) turned around. "What song did you bring?" she asked.

"Um..." I said. "I forgot to bring one."

"You wanna borrow one of my tapes?" Caroline asked. "I brought an extra."

"Yes, please," I said. Relief washed over me. I could temporarily blend in with the hippie kids! It was musical camouflage.

Ms. Roy called my name. I handed her Caroline's tape, unsure of what I would hear. The label said "Best Mix Tape!!" so there was really no telling.

"Um..." I said. "I like this song because it reminds me of how I like to live my life." Caroline shot me a worried glance and I quickly sat down.

The song began playing. It was "Helter Skelter," by the Beatles. Ms. Roy gave me a Look and asked me to stay after class.

She ended up giving me one of those lectures that you kick yourself for later, thinking of all of the comebacks you could have used, if only you had balls (and the ability to think on your feet). I would get a zero, she said, for not taking a simple assignment seriously. We didn't have many assignments this six weeks, so my grade average would be much lower than usual. I needed to learn to be more responsible.

I made my first "C" that six weeks ("In ENGLISH?" my mother shrieked. "No daughter of mine gets a 'C' in ENGLISH.") and was grounded for a month. I never forgave Ms. Roy.

17. In a way, I feel like people define you by the music you like, so I have always answered the "what type of music do you like?" question rather awkwardly.

Really, I like just about everything. I don't like to go to live punk shows (inevitably, some jerkface always decides to start moshing in the back and ends up knocking me over), but I really like just about everything. Sometimes the adult soft rock that gets played at most office buildings makes me want to punch a DJ, but I think that's just because it's hard for me to concentrate when music is playing in the background. (It could also be that the same three Maroon 5 songs get played 26 times in four hours, but we may never know.)

Favorite songs over the years have been varied: I had a bit of a Jewel problem for a few months in high school, but that didn't stop me from jumping up to dance when "California Love" came on the radio. In college, I went through a phase where I listened to Chet Baker's "Everything Happens to Me" on repeat while crying into a pillow. Through the years I have fallen in love with a hundred different indie rockers who all end up breaking my heart in one way or another. Just when it seems like I'll listen to anything as long as it's depressing, I'll load "Toxic" into my mp3 player and go for a run.

I'm really all over the place. And I think (finally) I'm OK with that.

Happy St Patrick's Day Internets!

Love,
Jane

Monday, March 16, 2009

Gretchen = awesome

Dear Gretchen,

You rock! Thanks for my new About Me page.

Love,
Jane

***

Dear Internets,

Go read Gretchen's blog (if you're not already). She is awesome. Wish her luck in Canada.

Love,
Jane

All about Jane

Dear Internets,

Welcome to the world of Distractible Jane! When she's not spending time with her pup (Bailey) and her boyfriend (Achilles), she can be found gallivanting around Austin . She has ridiculously good taste in movies and TV. She helped her family provide for their cow farm by milking koalas, or maybe it was the other way around. One time, she got in a fight with Emma Bunton, also known as Baby Spice. Her car is named Lola the Corolla and she has a roomba. Both of those things make her super awesome. She has a secret desire to have a Lifetime movie made of her life, but the inspirational kind, not the creepy kind. You know what I mean. And don't forget to have her tell you about the time that the condo ghosts---oooh, look, something shiny!

Love,
Gretchen Alice (who will not be held responsible for any factual inaccuracies in this biography)


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Thursday, March 12, 2009

25 Things about Jane: Movies and Television

Dear Internets,

Is "what type of movies do you like?" the fourthquestion you ask when you're getting to know someone, or is it the fifth? Do you ask about television, or are you afraid that will make you seem shallow?

Personally, I have no problems expressing my opinions about movies and television, particularly when I'm on a "25 Things about me" roll. So let's get started.

14. I am willing to give most movies a shot, as long as they're not too violent and/or vapid, and at least sort of have a plot. Exceptions to the movies-I-like-can't-be-too-violent rule include Fargo, American History X, Pulp Fiction, Fight Club, and Se7en. (Se7en is also an exception to the "I don't watch movies that spell their names in stupid ways" rule.) Exceptions to the can't-be-vapid rule include Dirty Dancing and most romantic comedies starring John Cusack.

I prefer that movies have happy endings, because deep down I'm a twelve-year-old. (When I was in 8th grade, my English teacher told me that sophisticated stories don't have happy endings. I remember thinking "screw that; I guess I'll be unsophisticated.") Over time, my favorite movies have included Herself, the Elf, The Land Before Time, Sixteen Candles, Spaceballs, The Shawshank Redemption, The Wedding Singer, Life is Beautiful, High Fidelity, About a Boy, Monsters, Inc., and WALL-E.

I'm sure there are others that I am forgetting, but it really doesn't matter. You get the gist.

15. I am much less discerning about what I will watch on television. I can be sucked into just about anything. Ideally, I wouldn't have a TV at all (and would, therefore, potentially have a life), but Achilles won't let me get away with that. Instead I try to limit myself to shows I intentionally record on the DVR. Currently, I like The Office, Ugly Betty, Important Things with Dmitri Martin, and The Biggest Loser. OH! And that show about the cheerleaders that plays on Lifetime. (Yes, I'm a little ashamed of the last two, but what can you do?)

Favorite television shows over time have included Quantum Leap (don't ask), Party of Five, The X-Files, the first season of Felicity, Freaks and Geeks, and Veronica Mars. I was mesmerized by the first episode of Pushing Daisies.

Monday: music! We may just see the end of this yet!

Love,
Jane

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

25 Things about me: Hobbies

Dear Internets,

You probably think I spend so much time online that I don't have a real life. You would be right. However, I do have some outside interests. (Just one or two, Internets. I still love you bigtime.)

10. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that I sometimes do triathlons. You might not know that I'm extremely slow at doing them. Once, the only person to finish after me was a sweet 72-year-old lady who was doing her first triathlon.

There are many reasons why I'm slow. When I'm not concentrating on not drowning or swearing that I'll never put myself through another triathlon if I can just get my bike up one last hill, I tend to start daydreaming. I pay more attention to the flowers and birds than I do to the other people racing. (Unless there's a hill; then I'm struggling to see through my tears of pain.)

I swore off triathlons after a particularly stressful triathlon season last year. I had trained more than I should have because I was trying to be faster than a somewhat-psychotic former supervisor. I didn't have time to relax, and I ended up sore and bitter. Then, about a month after my longest triathlon, one of my coaches was killed in a cycling accident. While his accident put a lot of things in perspective for me, I still felt somehow betrayed by the sport.

I'm thinking of doing a triathlon again this year though, which pretty much proves that I don't learn from past mistakes.

11. My main hobbies are making things (I like to come up with personalized gifts), baking things I can decorate, and reading. I love yoga, but don't do it consistently enough to consider it a hobby.

I recently rediscovered the awesomeness that is the public library. I am trying to read 50 books this year, but I'm sort of stuck on "Howard's End," so I don't know if I'll make it. I have a much easier time finishing mysteries.

12. I am ashamed to admit it, but I have a tendency to read the end of books first.

I trace this bad habit back to childhood, when I "borrowed" a magazine from my sister that she'd gotten at her church youth group. It was filled with stories about the importance of volunteering and the dangers of drugs and alcohol.

One story was about a girl who was dog-sitting her "nerdy" (but nice) friend's beagle, Snickers. Some "cool" (but bad) kids found out the girl's parents were out of town, and convinced her that she should have a party in her basement. Everyone was drinking beers. The girl even drank a wine cooler, figuring "it's not really alcohol, and it will help me fit in." When people started playing darts, she worried a little, but figured the "cool" kids knew what they were doing. Suddenly, she heard yelping. Snickers had been hit with a dart! At that moment, Snicker's owner, who had gotten back into town early, came down the stairs and --

I have no idea. My sister caught me reading her magazine and took it back. I was scarred for life, people. I never found out what happened to Snickers! He was probably OK, right? Darts couldn't hurt a beagle that badly, right? Right? But maybe he did die, leading the main character to forever regret straying from the path of righteousness. I WILL NEVER KNOW!!!

Ahem. Sorry. Back to my hobbies...

13. I tend to get really obsessed with a hobby for a while, and then suddenly put it on the back burner. I taught myself to knit, but haven't yet done anything more complicated than a scarf. I was briefly obsessed with betta fish, and carefully researched tanks, heaters, filters, live plants, vitamin supplements, and snail varieties until Valentino had a little betta fish palace. I got bored with teaching Bailey tricks after he learned "wave," "roll over," "high five!" and "you get to sleep in the bed with me after I have a bad dream."

I am interested in just about everything, but only to a point. After a while, I just want to try something else.

Tomorrow: movies and television. I'm on a roll, people!

Love,
Jane

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

25 Things About Me: General Jane

Dear Internets,

You probably thought I had gotten distracted and wasn't going to finish my "25 Things About Me" series. Well, you were wrong. Why do you have no faith in me, Internets?

(Just kidding, you were right. The guilt just got the better of me.)

Anyhoo, I thought I'd use this post to write some "general Jane" stuff, since "re-write 'About Me' page" has been on my to-do list for months now, and I'm not sure I'll ever get around to it.

(Ooh! I just had an idea. Anyone want to guest post an "About Me" page for me? You could totally make things up. I wouldn't mind. It would be a good creative writing exercise for you. Really, I'm thinking about you, Internets.)(I'm so unselfish.)

These here are the basics. Consider the next few posts Jane 101.

7. I live in Austin, Texas with my boyfriend "Achilles," my dog Bailey, and my betta fish Valentino. We live in a condo that I saved for and bought when I was 26. It has mostly been a thorn in my side, but it's nice enough.

For the most part, I have lived in Austin my entire life. (Achilles, my sister, Rhett Miller and I were all born at the same hospital.) I still think of Austin as the small city it was when I was younger. In a way, it is: between different jobs, different schools, neighbors, and my dad's former students, I see someone I know almost everywhere. This freaks out some of my friends who aren't originally from Austin.

8. My parents are still married. I have one sister, one brother-in-law, one nephew, and one niece-to-be. I have two living grandmothers, and about a million aunts, uncles, and first and second cousins. Some of my fundamentalist cousins think I'm going to hell (because I didn't get married young and go forth and multiply, among other reasons). I sometimes joke about this, but it makes me sad to know that they feel that way.

9. I'm 28, but I still don't really know what I want to be when I grow up. Right now, I have two jobs: full-time computer programmer (that's not my title, but that's what I do, essentially) and part-time teacher/tutor.

If you can think of a career, I have probably considered or at least daydreamed about it at some point. (Mail carrier? Check. Dentist? Check. Professional dog walker? Check. UFC? Well, no - I'm a lover, not a fighter.) I tend to look for reasons to do something rather than reasons not to do something. I guess that makes me an optimist, but since I am interested in just about everything (as long as it's non-violent), it hasn't really led me down a finite career path. I transferred between four different colleges, and changed my major thirteen times. I finally settled on French with an art history minor because I just wanted to graduate.

My favorite job of all time was working at a living history museum/farm. Half the time, I worked as a "pioneer," milking cows, doing light farming, etc. The other half of the time, I was a camp counselor and taught arts and crafts to 4-6 and 7-9 year olds. Unfortunately, the city realized that the job was awesome and could be filled by volunteers, and cut the farm's funding.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's edition: How Jane wastes spends her free time.

Love,
Jane

Monday, March 9, 2009

Sorry about that

Dear Internets,

I am sorry about my melodramatic little break from blogging. I blame a mid-week crisis. I kept finding myself thinking "Where is this week going? Why am I here? Should I buy a little two-seat sports car while car dealerships are making deals?"

Kidding aside, I did realize that my most recent blogging has been heavy on the quantity and a bit lacking in quality. So I'm going to stop that. Yay, right? From now on, when the traffic in my brain is getting too congested, I'm going to wait it out. There's no need for me to develop blogging road rage.

I'm going to stop before I start mixing too many metaphors. Love you longtime Internets!

Love,
Jane

Monday, March 2, 2009

It's not you, it's me

Dear Internets,

I think I need to take a little break. It's not you, I promise. I'll be back.

XOXO,
Jane