Jane in real life

Dear Internets,

Howdy! If you're going to be in Austin during the next two weeks, I'd love to have a chance to meet you at one of the following:

1. The 20 Something Bloggers/Glass SXSWi happy hour.
2. My comedy class performance (as long as you promise not to heckle me.)
   
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I have many updates to make later this week when I'm not running around like a headless chicken.

XOXO,
Jane

Umm...

Dear Internets,

Ever since another student in my comedy class pointed out how much I said "um" when I was doing stand-up, I've noticed how much I say it. Internets - I say it all the time! The worst was Wednesday evening at our first dance lesson:

"What's your name?"
"Um, Jane."
"Do you have any dance experience?"
"Um, not really."

Seriously, this "um" business has got to stop. Maybe I should start an "um" jar (like a swear jar, except for when I say "um"). It's madness!

Love,
Um... Jane

Wednesday Bullet Point Weecap

Dear Internets,

I slept through my alarm clock (I think*) this morning. It's always weird to get that extra hour or two of sleep. On one hand, I feel fantastic - yay sleep! On the other, I feel incredibly guilty for being late to work, life, etc. Anyway, I have been leaving a lot of loose ends on this blog lately, so I figured I'd do a quick recap/update.

*My alarm clock is 20 years old. I also "slept through" it a couple of weekends ago. I'm a little worried it might be about to kick the bucket.

• Wedding dress - I think I finally decided on a dress. While it isn't particularly stunning or unique, it's a cute dress, and I think I'll be happy with it. I think I made the mistake of letting too many people have opinions on my dress, which just ended up being stressful.
• My pen pal asked me if I've ever had a crush on a teacher. Short answer: um, yes. I will explain further in the next few days.
• I quit drinking caffeine as part of my last minute diet/exercise plan before the wedding. I don't think my brain really works anymore without caffeine.
  
• Achilles bought us dance lessons as a surprise. We start today. I'm very excited, as this will allow me 1.) not to look quite as foolish at the wedding as I expected to look, and 2.) allow me to cross #21 off my 30 Before 30 list.
• My last comedy class was horrible. I was shaking so much they could actually see me shaking in the back row. I also said "Umm..." 36 times. Don't worry, Internets. I'm still planning to perform and post the video.

I hope your week is flying by, Internets!

Love,
Jane

I kind of want to punch the wedding industry in the face

***Warning - this is a very venty and un-Jane-like post***

Dear Internets,

I still don't have a wedding dress. The wedding is four weeks away.

In normal life - normal reality - four weeks is plenty of time to find a dress. In normal life, I go into a store, try on a dress, and see if it fits. If it doesn't, no big deal! There's probably another size or another style of dress that will fit perfectly. And if I don't like anything? Well, there are always other stores. Whatever dress I find, my friends and family are unlikely to express strong positive or negative opinions about it. I have rarely, if ever, felt ugly or flabby or disgusting trying on everyday dresses. I know I've never ended up in tears.

Finding a wedding dress is completely different.

I'm convinced that no matter when you start shopping, people act like you're waiting until the last minute to shop for a dress. I started in October and was treated like I'd waited until the last minute. "Wedding dresses take at least six weeks to come in." Why that long? It's not like I want something custom made. The dress is right there, on page 23 of your catalog. It's being shipped from your distribution center. I have ordered items from Hong Kong via regular mail that arrived within two weeks. Maybe it takes so long because that's how long it takes your dresses to be shipped from Chinese sweatshops? Maybe you just want to gouge people by charging "rush" shipping? I just don't know.

Trying on dresses is even worse. They are designed not to fit off the rack. "You'll want to order a size larger and get it altered to fit you perfectly," the salesperson says. No, you want me to spend $300-$400 on alterations, on top of whatever exorbitant amount you're already charging for the dress. I have found dresses on the clearance rack at Target for $7 that fit me perfectly and make me feel like a million dollars every time I wear them. Why can't stores carry dresses like that?

What makes it worse is that when you're trying on wedding dresses, everyone has an opinion. "I really can't imagine you in anything other than a strapless white A-line dress." "You need something that isn't too plain." "You should order a simple silk dress from J.Crew."

If I try on a dress that doesn't make me feel ugly and out of shape? My mom or sister or friends or the salesperson tell me all the reasons it's entirely wrong.

I'm so done, Internets. My goal, originally, was to spend less than $300 total on dress, hair, shoes, and makeup. The dress everyone else likes (that I bitterly despise at this point, partly because I was baited-and-switched by the bridal shop) will cost $300+ just to alter.

I love Achilles. I like most of the wedding plans we've made so far (although people have definitely tried to me second guess myself whenever they have had the opportunity). I guess I should just wear the stupid dress that everyone likes just to shut them up and get this all over with. I just wish I didn't have to be there.

Thanks for letting me vent, Internets.

Love,
Jane