Thursday, June 19, 2008

Spoil Sport

Dear Inner Tubes,

I like you just fine at water parks, but I have absolutely no desire to sit in you and float down a slow-moving river for hours.

My name is Jane, and I hate tubing.

Some of my friends have a hard time understanding this.

Friends: "We're gonna go on a float trip this weekend, it's gonna be awesome. You've gotta come."
Jane: "No thanks."
Friends: "No, you don't understand. We're gonna float the river. In the sun. We're taking beer. It's gonna be awesome."
Jane: "No really, I'd rather not. I don't really care for tubing."
Friends: "No seriously, you don't understand. It's gonna be awesome. It's supposed to be like a hundred and two out, no clouds in the sky. And it hasn't rained in months, so the river should be super slow."
Jane: "But I'll get sunburned... And since I don't really enjoy tubing, I'd rather avoid getting burned."
Friends: "No, silly, you wear sunscreen. Duh."
Jane: "Let's talk about unicorns. "

It isn't that I don't understand how tubing could appeal to a lot of people. It's just that it's not for me.

Top 10 reasons I don't enjoy tubing:

1. I am paler than Jim Gaffigan. After an hour in the water/sun, I will burn, no matter how many times I reapply the SPF 55.
2. All that sunscreen? Will make me break out (even if I get the noncomedogenic stuff. There's only so much you can slather on your pores without clogging them). Sure, pimples on a sunburned face may sound like a one-way ticket to hotness...
3. I get seasick more easily than anyone I know. I get carsick when I'm the one driving. I can't even watch a surfing movie without feeling a little queasy. All that bobbing up and down? Not so fun for Jane.
4. I don't really enjoy sitting in the sun drinking beer for hours on end. When my friends get back from a day of tubing, they are dehydrated and already hungover, and spend the night and the next day recovering. That's the whole weekend! One only gets so many weekends in life (especially when one has a second job).
5. I just can't sit still that long... I get antsy. Sure, drunken frat boys/sorority girls provide *some* entertainment, but if I enjoyed seeing strangers' naughty bits, I'd just order "Girls Gone Wild."
6. It is kind of expensive to rent inner tubes. And a pain to haul them around.
7. I don't really like lounging in a bathing suit around a bunch of strangers. I am not uncomfortable with my body - I just don't really like sitting around in the equivalent of my underoos.
8. "No one volunteered to be the designated driver? Wow, since I'm not drinking, I guess that makes me DD. Nothing better than driving a bunch of drunks with sand in their britches 40 miles each way." **Insert sarcasm here.**
9. Gas is expensive (see above). Sometimes drunk people aren't the best at forking over gas money. I'm just sayin...
10. If I went with my friends on all of their adventures, they would have no stories to tell. And I do love a good story, even if it's of the "So-and-so fell out of their tube reaching for a beer" variety.

So, Inner Tubes... I think we should just be penpals for now. I'll give you a call the next time I go to Schlitterbahn.



Georgia Hardstark said...

The first thing I thought of when I imagined what it would be like to go "tubing" (which I haven't done since I was a kid) is "where does everyone pee?...oh wait...ew." Yeah, I'd rather stay home myself as well.

Hillary said...

also? sharks

and don't even tell me that there are no sharks in rivers - YOU DON'T KNOW

tal said...

i went tubing on the Potomac and would like to ad ridged rocks scraping your whole body to the list. (that said, a day of floating on a river sounds so so so nice...)