Of the blog posts I have written in my head but not actually typed out on virtual paper, there are three that both you and I agree should be written sooner rather than later:
- Living room renovation
- My 30 before 30 list
- What the heck is going on with Achilles and my wedding
Sigh. The wedding. I think what happened with the wedding plans is best explained by this three act play.
Achilles and Jane Lose Their Damn Minds
ACT I: Newly Engaged!
Jane: Yay! Fun! I shall start a blog about this!
Achilles: Yay! I shall start researching our options for food!
Jane and Achilles' families and friends: Yay! We shall be supportive of whatever you decide!
ACT II: The wedding planning begins...
Jane: I would like a small, fairly non-traditional ceremony at Zilker Clubhouse. I would like delicious food, good music, our closest friends and family, and a lighthearted atmosphere. I'd like to avoid as many weird sexist traditions and random extra crap that gets forced on people as possible.
Achilles: I would like the same things. I would also like to avoid depleting our savings or going into debt over this.
Jane: You read my mind.
Jane's sister: What kind of centerpieces are you having? I emailed you a bunch of links.
Jane: ...centerpieces? I was just thinking we'd have my friend LB (the wedding florist) put some vases with gerbera daisies out or something. But I guess centerpieces might be nice.
Jane's mom: Have you told your father that you're not having him walk you down the aisle? You need to tell him. I'm not going to be the one who breaks the news.
Jane: Aisle? We don't really want to have an aisle...
Jane's mom & sister: O...k... but how would that even work?
Jane: I have no clue.
Jane's neurotic side comes out while trying on wedding dresses. She has no idea what she wants. She knows this isn't important but can't stop thinking about it. Jane is deeply ashamed of herself.
Achilles' mom: What have you guys planned so far?
Jane: Well, we were thinking of having fancy pizza, and cupcakes instead of a cake. And we're thinking of having some sort of appetizers so that people don't have to wait until after the ceremony to eat.
Achilles' mom: That sounds... cute.
Achilles' uncle (who has never had a conversation with Jane until this point): Pizza? For a wedding? Are you guys just trying to be cheap or something?
Jane: No... It's not the money... We just both really love pizza and thought it would be fun.
Achilles' uncle: Pizza just doesn't seem like wedding food to me. Have you ever thought about deep frying turkeys instead?
Jane: [looks around for Achilles, who is avoiding eye contact and inching toward the door] Uhh...
Jane (to self): What does a panic attack feel like?
Jane and Achilles: We don't think we want to register for gifts. We have more than we need. If people feel moved to give us a gift of their choosing, that's great. If not, that's wonderful too.
Achilles' family: You HAVE to register. You should do one of those honeymoon registries. Then you don't have to worry about getting stuff you can't use.
Jane's family: Honeymoon registries are tacky. Register at Williams & Sonoma. Then you'll get NICE stuff.
Jane and Achilles: But... the "stuff" isn't the point.
Jane, on phone: You charge HOW much for chair rentals?
Achilles, on phone: Do you have any pizzas that DON'T have goat cheese or salmon on them?
Photographer: Look at me! I can vanish into thin air and leave no trace! Is it magic... or is it an illusion?
ACT III: And now for something completely different...
Jane thinks about the wedding. Jane has her first ever panic attack. Rinse, repeat. Jane stops thinking about the wedding.
Jane: I don't think I can do this. Can we just fly to Puerto Rico and get married on the beach?
Achilles: That would break my grandmother's heart.
Jane: What if we just got married at the courthouse and then took our families out to dinner? Would that be OK with your grandma?
Achilles: Actually... yes.
Jane: I think that's what I want to do.
Achilles: Me too.
Jane's officemate: The courthouse? How Carrie Bradshaw of you!!
Jane: It's not... like that.
Jane (to self): I'm not Carrie, anyway. If I'm anyone, I'm Liz Lemon - the lady who watches the show at home.
Achilles' mom and dad: Why don't you just save yourself a step and get married at the restaurant?
Jane & Achilles: That sounds like a really good idea, actually.
Jane's Family: Why do you insist on crushing everyone's dreams and breaking our hearts?
--------FIN.... For now----
So, Internets, that's where we are. My family is annoyed with me. My sister isn't really speaking to me, and my mom actually took Achilles aside at Christmas to try to give him a guilt trip about how disappointed she is. I am no longer getting chest pain, though, so I think we have a winner.
Questions? Thoughts? I welcome all comments on this, even anonymous mean ones.
P.S. Since there's not really much of a wedding to plan anymore, I will probably move my Distracted Wedding posts over here and delete that blog at some point. It has some bad juju attached to it.