Now we've come to the Questions and Answers portion of our show

Dear Internets,

Yesterday, in between gazing at my navel and staring into the mirror, I decided to take a look at the search engine terms people use to get to this blog. What I discovered is that people have a lot of questions. For example:

What did one math book say to the other?

A: Don't bother me, I've got my own problems.

I feel sort of guilty that I'm on the first page of the Google search results for that one. I feel like I'm luring people in with false promises of puns. Instead, they are just PUNished with my silly letters. HAHA! Sorry. Moving on.

Neil Diamond Lake Tahoe?

A: YOU TELL ME, INTERNETS! Did I miss seeing Neil Diamond while I was in Lake Tahoe? Quelle travesty! I may need a moment to recover from this.

Sigh. OK, next.

What do I do if I tore a contact lens?

A: New contact lens. or Lasik, maybe. Too easy!

Who is the mom on Glee?

A: You tell me, Internets. I didn't even know there was a mom on Glee. I mean, there's Terri's sister and Finn's mom, and teen mom-to-be Quinn Fabray but other than that, I got nothin. I do really hope that Idina Menzel will play Rachel's mom at some point. (Yes, I realize she's way too young, but she could totally play a young struggling singer who needed to earn extra cash by being a surrogate or something. I'm just sayin.)

When was paisley print invented?

A: In 1907 in England by a guy named Benny. He worked in a chemist's shop. (Kidding. Persia - Safavid Dynasty)

Sometimes it's not just answers to questions that lure people here under false pretenses.

Paisley print disadvantages*

A: Seriously? There are none! All my friends are getting paisley print for Christmas.

25 and stuck in a rut.

A: Read this. It probably won't really help, but it'll make me feel less guilty about luring you here.

Spiderman Cupcakes

A: Again, I feel guilty. You paged through 12-13 pages of Google image search results to find these blurry pictures. I can't really help much - I painted the cupcakes freehand and they immediately started to melt. I recommend the little pre-made candy cupcake toppers. Little kids prefer those anyway.

Well, I hope you can behave yourself until next time Internets.

Love,
Jane

*I really wish I could remember when I actually talked about paisley print... Hmmm....

And one to grow on

Dear Internets,

So... You know what's happening in 8 days?

Britney Spears is releasing her album "Circus" on her 27th birthday, you say?

Well, yes, that's true. But more importantly, I am turning 28*. Cue the fireworks.

I have no idea what to do for my birthday. To be honest, I'm not feeling super festive. Turning 28 feels like I'm officially in my late twenties (27 was a little more marginal). I don't do well with the types of questions I've been asking myself lately (Am I happy? Is this where I want to be in my life? Have I accomplished the things I set out to do?) Thus, I don't really feel much like celebrating.

My first thought was to have my friends over for cupcakes and ice cream. Then I realized that I am kind of burned out on being a hostess right now. My second thought was to invite everyone to a bar for happy hour, but I'm kind of "blah" about that too. My next thought was the most appealing: just let everyone forget about it. Achilles and I will go see Jim Gaffigan and I'll have dinner with my parents, but other than that, I'll let my birthday get lost in the post-Thanksgiving, pre-Christmas bustle.

*CONFIDENTIAL TO MY FELLOW MATH NERDS: At least my age will be a perfect number, right?

In other news, I just tore a contact lens. My vision is 20/400 uncorrected (20/200 is considered legally blind), so I'm not sure how much work I'm going to get done today. Or how I'll get home. Whee!

Love always,
Jane

NoMo NaBloPoMo... Moving on...

Dear Gmail,

When I logged in and everything looked... different (but not enough that I could be 100% sure that anything had actually changed), I was confused.

Now, I think I'm in love. High five for Themes!

The only downside is that now I have one more thing to match to my Firefox, blog, and iGoogle themes. It's a lot of pressure, but hopefully I'll survive.

Love,
Jane

Don't drink and dial

Dear Google,

This is the funniest thing I've heard of in a long time. A virtual breathalyzer - brilliant! Now if someone could apply it to cell phones...

Love,
Jane

The Internets are out to get me

Dear Google,

I see that you have been directing people who search for "Jane + thighs" to my little blog. This is weird. Please stop.

Love,
Jane

P.S. I honestly can't remember ever talking about thighs...