Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Conflicted

Dear Internets,

I *hate* conflict. When someone yells at me, I have a tendency to withdraw completely like a turtle in her shell rather than dealing with the person head-on.

I'm learning that it's OK to stand up for myself and work through the situation, and that usually, people are not as upset as I initially think they are. I can send an email to apologize (and also explain myself, since I'm too generally too anxious to do it over the phone or in person), and usually the response is "tee hee, we all make mistakes, I should have started with talking, not yelling, let's be besties." Dealing with conflict is not that bad.

However, whether I go for ignoring the conflict or resolving it I still end up feeling drained and ready to curl up in the corner and take a nap. I don't think it's perfectionism on my part - I don't mind being criticized, as long as there's no yelling involved.

How do you deal with people who yell first, ask questions later, Internets? Any tips that might come in handy?

Yours truly,
Jane

9 comments:

Liam said...

Yeah if anyone can tell me I'd appreciate it too... might help in my marriage.

reederscorner said...

If it's someone I'm really close with (family member, boyfriend or friends) then I confront them right away, even though, like yourself, i hate conflict. I have to let them know how I feel and once I usually start letting them know how I feel, everything gets discussed in the moment and then we move on. However, if it's someone that I don't know that well... I usually let it slide and then talk it over with friends and see how I should handle it. 9 times out of 10 I don't say anything, because it's usually not worth it with someone like a co-worker or a retail clerk -- Hope this helps...

Laura said...

It depends on the person! But I often yell back!

Conflict doesnt really bug me and if you feel the need to raise your voice and me I will raise mine back!

Not everyone responds to that though - my ex yells - I ignore him - its the only thing that works!

My boss also tends to get a bit aggro - I dont yell back - not cos she is my boss - but cos it doesnt work! So I smile and wave with her!

But I did have a boss who was like me and we would yell at each other, get it out and move on! It was - for me - a really good r/ship. We actually had an awesome r/ship!

sleepyjane said...

It really depends. I get furious when someone yells. I think it's rude. There are better ways to handle a situation than yelling like a banshee. Especially at work. I would appreciate it more if the person takes me aside and tells me what I did wrong rather than scream.

When it comes to family though, I stand up for myself. :)

Hillary said...

I, uh, cry. It's really mature and stuff.

Losing It said...

swift kick in the baby maker.

Susan in Lille said...

Ask "so tell me again why you are so angry?" then follow that up with "can you break that down a little?" and "ok so if I were a 5 year old how would you describe to me the reasons you are upset?" then throw in a "so if I asked you to preform an interpretive dance of your anger, what do you think that would look like?"

Not really, but it might defuse the situation (or blow it up) after the 3rd or 4th time you ask them to explain. :-) Maybe just do what makes you feel comfortable, ask to talk about it at another time when emotions are not so high I guess. It's hard for either party to listen when there is yelling.

Hello...new to your blog!

perfectlycursedlife said...

I wish I had tips on that. I'm the same way. Knowing that I have to have a confrontation is enough to exhaust me.

miss petite america said...

i am the same way. sometimes it won't be until years later that i think of the perfect comeback.

but i've just come to realize that some people just suck and aren't worth my time and energy.