Tuesday, February 17, 2009

25 Things About Me: Thing 2

Dear Internets,

I had an epiphany the other day: I'm kind of afraid of squirrels.

Now, I know what you're probably thinking. "Squirrels? They're cute little woodland animals! They have big fluffy tails! They hardly ever get rabies! What is wrong with you?"

Well Internets, the answer to that question is "many things." But why am I afraid of squirrels? I think it comes down to one thing: I don't trust them. Sure, squirrels are cute, but so are Leprechauns.

What a squirrel looks like, on the inside.

There's just something funny about the way squirrels look at you. It's like they're thinking to themselves "fight or flight?" and seriously considering the "fight" option. Some of them even look at you like they want to crack you open Willy Wonka style to see if you're a bad nut. At any rate, the gleam in their beady little eyes is off-putting.

Last Friday afternoon, I turned a corner between the third and fourth floors of the parking garage at work, and found myself three feet away from a very trapped-looking squirrel. Now I understand that a parking garage is kind of a squirrel house of horrors*, but this one looked at me like he wanted to take me out Griswold Family Christmas-style. I had to back slowly down two flights of stairs before he finally ran off.

My mild squirrel phobia is not a recent development. I've always been sort of uncomfortable around squirrels, especially the ones that are a little *too* comfortable around people. When I was at UT, it was considered good luck to see an albino squirrel on the day of an exam. Thus, any vaguely white squirrel within a five mile radius had been hand-fed for so long that any trace of fear of humans had long since been wiped away. I once saw a squirrel hop onto the lap of a tiny old professor and demand a peanut butter sandwich. It was like a horrible, real-life version of "You Give a Mouse a Cookie."

Maybe I'm wrong, and squirrels wouldn't secretly like to take over the world one smallish person at a time. But I'm not taking any chances.


P.S. I was going to call this post "25 Things About Me: Sper*ophile Edition," but I didn't want my site to get banned from anyone's work computer.

*The parking garage is sort of a house of horrors in general, actually. There are all sorts of rabid bats and things there.


Anonymous said...

I am SO with you on the squirrels. I can't stand them. Of course, where we live there are tons of them because there are no natural predators. They look at you all maliciously from the top of the garage or a branch on a tree.


Tiffany & Brandon said...

Squirrel looking nervous all the time makes me more nervous. I have the same fear of Chihuahuas. Not to mention squirrels are dumb. I saw on run into a parked car's tire once. He spent the next few minutes scooting across the parking lot by his back legs, dragging his head. I hate to admit it, but I laughed... :-O

Elizabeth said...

I'm kind of a fan of them, but then again, I have my fierce dachshunds to protect me from them! They really might be evil--unlike any other critter, they rile up my dogs.

Megkathleen said...

I don't want to encourage your fear or anything, but on my college campus there was a squirrel that lived outside my dorm and I think he lived off all the cafeteria scraps and it used to chase students. So I'm with you on this one.

Angela said...

How did you even come to find that rabies info about squirrels? I wouldn't have even known to ask the question! AWESOME!

Anonymous said...

"What a squirrel looks like, on the inside"

That had me cracking up!

Anonymous said...

i love me some squirrels. i even have several friends who refer to me as squirrel, but then again i have several who call me satan too, soooo i guess its right there with you line of thought! :)

tal said...

one time a squirrel fell from a tree in washington square park (which can be seedy enough to be creepy) and literally ran over our shoes and freaked us out like crazy! i like the "well dressed rat" philosophy and think they are kind of cute! its swans that freak me out.

SavingDiva said...

I am also frightened of squirrels. Once I was walking across campus and I passed a guy that was frozen with his backpack open. I stared at him and thought what a freak...Then a squirrel head popped out of his backpack...yes, a squirrel had climbed over him and into his backpack...and while I was staring at him, another squirrel climbed on his lap. I wish I made this up. Creepy!