Dear Etiquette Expert,
What is the polite way to tell a friend, "no thanks, but I don't think I'd like to attend an -ahem!- "adult" party for XYZ Pyramid Scheme, where a pushy saleswoman will attempt to pressure me into buying crap I don't need (or at the very least, giving her my contact information so that she can spam me for the rest of my life)"?
Love,
Jane
Dear Jane,
How about, "Friends don't let friends pressure them with direct sales" or "I will only voluntarily subject myself to guilt trips given by elderly family members (and sometimes Al Gore), not those given by a type A suburban soccer mom and a room full of my so-called friends"?
Another tactic would be to start an urban legend. For example, you could try the old "A friend of a friend told me that direct home sales parties are just fronts for helping drug dealers and thieves launder money. I heard that at one party, a gang of bandits bust in and stole everyone's identities. With guns."
Or you could just say no, firmly but politely.
It's up to you.
Love,
Etiquette Expert
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Armpit of Texas
Dear Houston,
Every so often, a storm will come into the Gulf, and we'll get a strong wind from the southeast.
"Ugh," people will say. "It smells like Houston."
Now it's beginning to make sense why Houston smells so bad. According to the New York Times, Houston is trashy.
Houstonians may say they're too "independent" to recycle; I think they're just too lazy.
In addition to citing a backwards mentality for the city's poor recycling rates, Houston blames lack of money due to the expense of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita and the logistical difficulties of trying to coordinate recycling programs in a sprawling city with no zoning laws. Considering that (according to Wikipedia) the Houston area has a bigger economy than Austria, Poland or Saudi Arabia, I have my doubts that Houston is truly hurting that badly for cash (or, for that matter, civil engineers to figure out a way to work around the zoning issues).
C'mon, Houston. If you were really of the "Old West" mentality, you wouldn't whine so much. Reduce already.
Your friend,
Jane
Every so often, a storm will come into the Gulf, and we'll get a strong wind from the southeast.
"Ugh," people will say. "It smells like Houston."
Now it's beginning to make sense why Houston smells so bad. According to the New York Times, Houston is trashy.
Houstonians may say they're too "independent" to recycle; I think they're just too lazy.
In addition to citing a backwards mentality for the city's poor recycling rates, Houston blames lack of money due to the expense of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita and the logistical difficulties of trying to coordinate recycling programs in a sprawling city with no zoning laws. Considering that (according to Wikipedia) the Houston area has a bigger economy than Austria, Poland or Saudi Arabia, I have my doubts that Houston is truly hurting that badly for cash (or, for that matter, civil engineers to figure out a way to work around the zoning issues).
C'mon, Houston. If you were really of the "Old West" mentality, you wouldn't whine so much. Reduce already.
Your friend,
Jane
Monday, July 28, 2008
Weekend Weirdness Rambling
Dear Internets,
Oh, the weekend, it was weird.
Friday, my mom called me and told me that I'd gotten a package in the mail. I hadn't been expecting anything (especially not delivered to my parents' house) so I asked her to open it.
It was a cell phone.
I immediately started getting visions of getting one of those phone calls that starts with a vague threat and ends with me running across the city with 20,000 deutschmarks in a desperate attempt to stop my boyfriend/a madman/a disgruntled former employee of my workplace from getting himself arrested/kidnapping a family member/blowing up the city, all while dramatic music plays in the background. I didn't even have my running shoes on!
Fortunately, it turned out to be some weird marketing ploy, so the only dramatic decision I'll have to make is whether or not to sell the phone on eBay.
Saturday morning, I was running late for my training group, and ended up getting a speeding ticket. The ticket said I was going 70 in a 60, but I later re-drove the route and realized it was really 70 in a 65. It's tempting to attempt to contest the ticket on those grounds, but really, I was speeding and deserved to get pulled over. While I can definitely think of many MANY ways I'd rather spend $150, I have no one to blame for the expense but myself and my lead foot.
After my lonely run (the group was gone by the time I finally arrived) I headed to work at the second job for a few hours. Thankfully, the morning at work passed without any major snafus. After work, we took Bailey out to the lake (he loved the water, hated actually swimming) and then met a friend out for dinner. My friend has just finished student teaching, and had awesome stories to tell.
Sunday, I took Bailey on a walk, read a magazine out by the pool for a couple of hours, went to work yet again, bought groceries for the week, and then split a pitcher of beer with a friend at a local pub.
I took Bailey with me to the pub. I used to brag that I had exposed him to almost everything recommended by his puppy kindergarten teacher as part of his puppy socialization. However, last night I realized I'd missed at least one thing: cigarettes. A lady was smoking outside the entrance (the smoking ban really just moves smokers out to the sidewalks), and wanted to discuss how much her dog looked like Bailey. Bailey found her absolutely terrifying, and hid behind my legs until she went away. I found the whole situation amusing in a kind of "wow, what a sheltered life we lead, Bales and I," kind of way.
I think that's enough rambling for now, Internets. I hope your weekend was enjoyable.
Love,
Jane
Oh, the weekend, it was weird.
Friday, my mom called me and told me that I'd gotten a package in the mail. I hadn't been expecting anything (especially not delivered to my parents' house) so I asked her to open it.
It was a cell phone.
I immediately started getting visions of getting one of those phone calls that starts with a vague threat and ends with me running across the city with 20,000 deutschmarks in a desperate attempt to stop my boyfriend/a madman/a disgruntled former employee of my workplace from getting himself arrested/kidnapping a family member/blowing up the city, all while dramatic music plays in the background. I didn't even have my running shoes on!
Fortunately, it turned out to be some weird marketing ploy, so the only dramatic decision I'll have to make is whether or not to sell the phone on eBay.
Saturday morning, I was running late for my training group, and ended up getting a speeding ticket. The ticket said I was going 70 in a 60, but I later re-drove the route and realized it was really 70 in a 65. It's tempting to attempt to contest the ticket on those grounds, but really, I was speeding and deserved to get pulled over. While I can definitely think of many MANY ways I'd rather spend $150, I have no one to blame for the expense but myself and my lead foot.
After my lonely run (the group was gone by the time I finally arrived) I headed to work at the second job for a few hours. Thankfully, the morning at work passed without any major snafus. After work, we took Bailey out to the lake (he loved the water, hated actually swimming) and then met a friend out for dinner. My friend has just finished student teaching, and had awesome stories to tell.
Sunday, I took Bailey on a walk, read a magazine out by the pool for a couple of hours, went to work yet again, bought groceries for the week, and then split a pitcher of beer with a friend at a local pub.
I took Bailey with me to the pub. I used to brag that I had exposed him to almost everything recommended by his puppy kindergarten teacher as part of his puppy socialization. However, last night I realized I'd missed at least one thing: cigarettes. A lady was smoking outside the entrance (the smoking ban really just moves smokers out to the sidewalks), and wanted to discuss how much her dog looked like Bailey. Bailey found her absolutely terrifying, and hid behind my legs until she went away. I found the whole situation amusing in a kind of "wow, what a sheltered life we lead, Bales and I," kind of way.
I think that's enough rambling for now, Internets. I hope your weekend was enjoyable.
Love,
Jane
Friday, July 25, 2008
Sometimes you feel like a nut
Dear Internets,
I just finished a breakfast of peanut butter crackers and a mini Almond Joy bar. (Note to self: consider possibility that poor eating habits could have something to do with the lack of energy and motivation you've been complaining about lately...)(Response to self: quit nagging and pass me a diet soda.)
The day has barely started, but I can't wait for it to be over so that I can go back to bed. I am working all weekend, so I don't know why I'm so glad that it's Friday. The bad thing about working on weekends is that it has fueled my tendency to procrastinate. Monday through Friday, I'll look at my to-do list and think, "Oh, most of those things take too long. I'll wait until the weekend to tackle them, when I'm not so tired." Then the weekend comes along, I end up working more hours than I do during the week, and I put things off until the next week. It's a vicious cycle. (Note to self: consider possibility that working too many hours could have something to do with the aforementioned energy and motivation issues.)(Response to self: wouldn't Jane and the Vicious Cycles be a great band name?)
I don't think I'll have time to do much this weekend, but I do the afternoon off tomorrow, so I think I'm going to take Bailey out to the lake. He hasn't really been out to the lake since he was a puppy, so I'm curious to see what he thinks about it.
Anyhoo, it should be interesting. I hope your weekend is delightful Internets.
Love,
Jane
I just finished a breakfast of peanut butter crackers and a mini Almond Joy bar. (Note to self: consider possibility that poor eating habits could have something to do with the lack of energy and motivation you've been complaining about lately...)(Response to self: quit nagging and pass me a diet soda.)
The day has barely started, but I can't wait for it to be over so that I can go back to bed. I am working all weekend, so I don't know why I'm so glad that it's Friday. The bad thing about working on weekends is that it has fueled my tendency to procrastinate. Monday through Friday, I'll look at my to-do list and think, "Oh, most of those things take too long. I'll wait until the weekend to tackle them, when I'm not so tired." Then the weekend comes along, I end up working more hours than I do during the week, and I put things off until the next week. It's a vicious cycle. (Note to self: consider possibility that working too many hours could have something to do with the aforementioned energy and motivation issues.)(Response to self: wouldn't Jane and the Vicious Cycles be a great band name?)
I don't think I'll have time to do much this weekend, but I do the afternoon off tomorrow, so I think I'm going to take Bailey out to the lake. He hasn't really been out to the lake since he was a puppy, so I'm curious to see what he thinks about it.
Anyhoo, it should be interesting. I hope your weekend is delightful Internets.
Love,
Jane
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