Tuesday, February 14, 2012

How to Make Valentine's Cupcakes in 46 Simple Steps (with pictures!)

Step 1. Several weeks before Valentine's Day, be inspired by adorable cupcakes on Bakerella's website. Tell everyone who will listen that you are making these cupcakes for Valentine's Day.

Step 2. Forget step 1 entirely. Forget that Valentine's Day exists.

Step 3. Remember Valentine's Day and cupcakes. Decide you would rather make vanilla cupcakes, as red velvet always reminds you of a song about a prostitute.

Step 3a. (optional, but encouraged.) Schedule a dentist appointment the same day you plan to make cupcakes. Get four or fewer hours of sleep.

Step 4. After your dentist appointment and/or a few hours before your dinner reservation, remember that you had planned/promised to make cupcakes as a Valentine's gift. Realize you lack nearly all necessary ingredients.

Step 5. Head to store to purchase ingredients. Get distracted by cute Valentine's-themed mini cupcake liners. Decide that you should make twee little mini cupcakes instead of full-sized cupcakes. Head home.

Step 6. Mix cupcake batter.

Step 7. Fill 36 mini cupcake liners with batter. Realize you have only used 1/4 of the amount of batter you mixed.

Step 8. Continue filling mini cupcake liners with batter.

Step 9. Continue filling mini cupcake liners with batter.

Step 10. Begin to question the wisdom of making mini cupcakes instead of full-sized cupcakes. Tell yourself you are almost done and to stop being so whiny.

Step 11. Continue filling mini cupcake liners with batter.

Step 12. Get bored and color the rest of the batter pink.
Add Image
Step 13. Continue filling mini cupcake liners with batter.

Step 14. Finish filling mini cupcake liners with batter. Realize you haven't cut out the little hearts that are supposed to adorn the arrows shooting through the cupcakes. Decide to do this while cupcakes bake.

Step 15. Realize how tiny these little hearts are going to have to be to fit on mini cupcakes.
Unpainted Ron Swanson Christmas ornament shown for size reference.

Step 16. Cut out tiny hearts.

Step 17. Cut out tiny hearts.

Step 18. Contemplate telling people most of the cupcakes burned so that you can stop cutting out tiny hearts.

Step 19. Hear the heater turn on. Watch in horror as your tiny paper hearts flutter to the floor.

Step 20. Feel the tiny heart inside your chest flutter to your stomach. Wonder if the five-second rule applies to tiny paper hearts.

Step 21. Decide that the floor, even if clean, is still, you know, the floor, and sweep tiny hearts into the trash.

Step 22. Cut out more tiny hearts.
Step 23. Look at small pile of tiny hearts. Think of 100+ cupcakes baking in the oven. Contemplate actually burning the cupcakes.

Step 24. Finish cutting out tiny hearts.

Step 25. Remove cupcakes from oven. Put them on plates to cool. Realize almost your entire counter is covered in tiny cupcakes.
Step 26. Wait for cupcakes to cool. Realize your dinner reservation is in two-and-a-half hours, and you haven't showered yet.

Step 27. Stab a cupcake with a toothpick. Notice that due to the size of the mini cupcake (or perhaps due to aggressive nature of toothpick stabbing) that the cupcake becomes slightly misshapen once it has been "shot."
Step 28. Decide the cupcakes look sort of heart-shaped, and you will tell people you did this on purpose.

Step 29. Sing Bon Jovi until you notice the dog burying his head under blankets in the other room.

Step 30. Sing even louder. Accidentally-on-purpose stab a few cupcakes hard enough that they break in half. Sample broken cupcakes.

Step 31. Add little paper hearts to cupcakes. Develop carpal tunnel.
Step 32. Realize you used the only bowl large enough to make frosting to mix cupcake batter. Wash dishes.

Step 33. Mix frosting.

Step 34. Sample frosting. Discover it tastes of sadness and despair. Throw away frosting.

Step 35. Wash dishes.

Step 36. Make as much frosting as you can with remaining butter. Frost about half of the cupcakes. Run out of frosting.

Step 37. Wonder if it's too early to start drinking. Look at clock. Realize your dinner reservation is in an hour-and-a-half, and you don't have time to go to the grocery store. In desperation, make more frosting with strawberry cream cheese. Don't measure anything or write anything down.

Step 38. Sample frosting. Discover it tastes of rainbows and magic and is a lovely pink color. Realize you will never be able duplicate this frosting.

Step 39. Frost remaining cupcakes.

Step 40. Text your sister: "If I ever say I'm going to make mini cupcakes again, please slap me in the mouth."

Step 41. Decide it is not too early to have a glass of wine. Add cheerful sprinkles to cupcakes. Decide they look rather cute.
Step 42. Box up cupcakes.

Step 43. Get ready for dinner with minutes to spare.

Step 44. Present cupcakes to husband, who has just returned home with flowers.
Step 45. After dinner of Mexican food and mojitos, decide that cupcake adventure was not so bad after all. Eat a cupcake.

Step 46. Realize that when the front heart is removed, the cupcakes sort of look like tiny hearts being stabbed with tiny stakes. Tell anyone who will listen that you will be making vampire heart cupcakes for Halloween.

Alternate Time-Saving Valentine Cupcakes (that your 30-year-old husband, 2-year-old niece, and 5-year-old nephew will appreciate just as much)

Step 1. Purchase cupcakes.

Step 2. Present cupcakes.


kim said...


I laughed so hard at this post. This is hilarious. I especially love the Ron Swanson ornament used for size purposes. I LOVE RON SWANSON.

Deidre said...

I definitely can relate to this! Well done making them I think it looks absolutely fabulous!

poptartyogini said...

I laughed out loud when I read this and now the people at work think I'm even stranger than they did before. Thanks for the chuckle and the cupcakes are super cute.