Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Wednesday Wedding Weecap version 2.1

Dear Internets,

Of the blog posts I have written in my head but not actually typed out on virtual paper, there are three that both you and I agree should be written sooner rather than later:
  1. Living room renovation
  2. My 30 before 30 list
  3. What the heck is going on with Achilles and my wedding
The order that I will post these updates comes down to laziness and disorganization on my part. I forgot to take "before" pictures of the living room (and I'm pretty sure I accidentally threw away the non-digital ones my dad took a couple of years ago) so I want to track some down before I post about the renovations. And I left my 30 before 30 list at home, and my memory is not what it used to be. So. The wedding.

Sigh. The wedding. I think what happened with the wedding plans is best explained by this three act play.

Achilles and Jane Lose Their Damn Minds

ACT I: Newly Engaged!

Scene 1

Jane: Yay! Fun! I shall start a blog about this!
Achilles: Yay! I shall start researching our options for food!
Jane and Achilles' families and friends: Yay! We shall be supportive of whatever you decide!

ACT II: The wedding planning begins...

Scene 1
Jane: I would like a small, fairly non-traditional ceremony at Zilker Clubhouse. I would like delicious food, good music, our closest friends and family, and a lighthearted atmosphere. I'd like to avoid as many weird sexist traditions and random extra crap that gets forced on people as possible.
Achilles: I would like the same things. I would also like to avoid depleting our savings or going into debt over this.
Jane: You read my mind.

Scene 2
Jane's sister:
What kind of centerpieces are you having? I emailed you a bunch of links.
Jane: ...centerpieces? I was just thinking we'd have my friend LB (the wedding florist) put some vases with gerbera daisies out or something. But I guess centerpieces might be nice.
Jane's mom: Have you told your father that you're not having him walk you down the aisle? You need to tell him. I'm not going to be the one who breaks the news.
Jane: Aisle? We don't really want to have an aisle...
Jane's mom & sister: O...k... but how would that even work?
Jane: I have no clue.

Scene 3
Jane's neurotic side comes out while trying on wedding dresses. She has no idea what she wants. She knows this isn't important but can't stop thinking about it. Jane is deeply ashamed of herself.

Scene 4
Achilles' mom:
What have you guys planned so far?
Jane: Well, we were thinking of having fancy pizza, and cupcakes instead of a cake. And we're thinking of having some sort of appetizers so that people don't have to wait until after the ceremony to eat.
Achilles' mom: That sounds... cute.
Achilles' uncle (who has never had a conversation with Jane until this point): Pizza? For a wedding? Are you guys just trying to be cheap or something?
Jane: No... It's not the money... We just both really love pizza and thought it would be fun.
Achilles' uncle: Pizza just doesn't seem like wedding food to me. Have you ever thought about deep frying turkeys instead?
Jane: [looks around for Achilles, who is avoiding eye contact and inching toward the door] Uhh...
Jane (to self): What does a panic attack feel like?
Jane and Achilles: We don't think we want to register for gifts. We have more than we need. If people feel moved to give us a gift of their choosing, that's great. If not, that's wonderful too.
Achilles' family: You HAVE to register. You should do one of those honeymoon registries. Then you don't have to worry about getting stuff you can't use.
Jane's family: Honeymoon registries are tacky. Register at Williams & Sonoma. Then you'll get NICE stuff.
Jane and Achilles: But... the "stuff" isn't the point.

Scene 5
Jane, on phone:
You charge HOW much for chair rentals?

Scene 6
Achilles, on phone: Do you have any pizzas that DON'T have goat cheese or salmon on them?

Scene 7
Photographer: Look at me! I can vanish into thin air and leave no trace! Is it magic... or is it an illusion?

ACT III: And now for something completely different...

Scene 1
Jane thinks about the wedding. Jane has her first ever panic attack. Rinse, repeat. Jane stops thinking about the wedding.

Scene 2
Jane: I don't think I can do this. Can we just fly to Puerto Rico and get married on the beach?
Achilles: That would break my grandmother's heart.
Jane: What if we just got married at the courthouse and then took our families out to dinner? Would that be OK with your grandma?
Achilles: Actually... yes.
Jane: I think that's what I want to do.
Achilles: Me too.

Scene 3
Jane's officemate: The courthouse? How Carrie Bradshaw of you!!
Jane: It's not... like that.
Jane (to self): I'm not Carrie, anyway. If I'm anyone, I'm Liz Lemon - the lady who watches the show at home.

Scene 4
Achilles' mom and dad:
Why don't you just save yourself a step and get married at the restaurant?
Jane & Achilles: That sounds like a really good idea, actually.
Jane's Family: Why do you insist on crushing everyone's dreams and breaking our hearts?

--------FIN.... For now----

So, Internets, that's where we are. My family is annoyed with me. My sister isn't really speaking to me, and my mom actually took Achilles aside at Christmas to try to give him a guilt trip about how disappointed she is. I am no longer getting chest pain, though, so I think we have a winner.

Questions? Thoughts? I welcome all comments on this, even anonymous mean ones.


P.S. Since there's not really much of a wedding to plan anymore, I will probably move my Distracted Wedding posts over here and delete that blog at some point. It has some bad juju attached to it.


Rachel said...

I think getting married at a courthouse or resturant and not having a "proper" wedding is an excellent conclusion. A++ decision.

SavingDiva said...

Even if you had a traditional wedding, you would probably end up pissing off a lot of people. My sister's wedding was the whole traditional shindig and she probably managed to anger a lot more people.

Hillary said...

I'm sorry, lady.
I went through a lot of this while planning my wedding.
What ended up working for us is we sat down and decided what our battles would be. We didn't want to budge on the location or the food so we made those our battles. Then we decided what we could compromise on. Programs, centrepieces, and place markers are what we decided we could live with, as long as we could make them ourselves and not spend an insane amount of money on. Then we decided what battles we were willing to lose. Creating a registry (though not a honeymoon registry - those are weird and kind of scammy) was something we were willing to do even though it made us stabby. Losing some battles made the parents (both his and mine were pretty CRAP through the planning process) less insane about the battles we weren't willing to negotiate. In the end I got my hamburger dinner and my mom got some stupidass place marker and program that she could keep in a memory book (that I'm sure she NEVER looks at but whatever I'm not bitter or anything.)
sorry for leaving the longest comment ever.

tal said...

i think the more unconventional the more traditional and meaningful the wedding actually is. this whole tulle-ification of weddings is a modern thing and it makes me break out in hives. save the cookie cutting for actual cookies and just do you!! and somehow include your super model dog, too!!!

The Kraken said...

Been there, done that. You have nothing but my deepest sympathy. Whoever said getting married was the best time of your life was fucking retarded.

Anonymous said...

oh my lord. this is insane. and for some reason really similar to my wedding planning experience. nooo, of course we cant just go to the courthouse. we HAVE to do it in a church so both families are pleased. bah. i hate planning and just want it to be over with already. i guess we've both just got to figure out what will make us happy and then roll with the flow.

Angela said...

We went down a quite similar path and have now decided on a "screw it, enough of others, and let's do our day, our way, for us." We are eloping and keeping it to ourselves. Good luck!

miss petite america said...


Jane said...

You guys are so awesome!

Rachel - Thanks! The support of friends (online and off) has pretty much kept me sane.

SavingDiva - I have a *strong* feeling that would happen in our case.

Hillary - I love your world's longest comment. I'm glad that we're not the only ones with over-involved families. I just want ours to tone down the crazy one or two notches. (I should probably take that advice myself, though.)

tal - That reminds me of something I can actually tell my mom - she gave up trying to make me wear tulle or lace when I was a toddler, because I hated it so much. Maybe if I remind her of that she'll let up a bit...

Losing It - You are absolutely right. I'm glad we didn't listen to the people who thought we should be engaged for *at least* a year. I'd lose my mind!

wanderingtex - It is nuts. And you probably have it much worse with the overseas aspect of your wedding.

Angela - I am so envious of you! Good luck, and enjoy!

miss petite america - I wish we could, but Achilles' grandma (the sweetest lady in the world) told us our wedding gave her something to live for (!).

Elizabeth said...

Good for you for simplifying--I don't think you'll regret it one bit!

Jane said...

Elizabeth - Thanks! I have a feeling we won't. :)